Should the dead begin to raise due to nuclear fallout, radiation, medicine gone horribly wrong or just pure satanic powers, don’t panic! Follow these easy and simple guidelines and you should be able to survive until need be.
- Gather Weapons
Preferably guns, and lots of them. But scientists have discovered that just about any blunt object with the durability to cave in a zombie’s head will do. The most effective way to “cure” zombies is by decapitating or obliterating their brain, therefore the following is a top ten list of the best common household items to use.
10) The towel/curtain rod.
9) The spatula.
8) The candlestick.
7) The butcher knife.
6) The rolling pin.
5) The hatchet.
4) The hammer.
3) The pipe wrench.
2) The baseball bat.
1) The shovel.
“Why do you have a plastic spoon in your back pocket?”
“Just in case.”
- Acquire Transportation
Even the Death Star’s defences were penetrated, you’ve got to move… well at least for now. After gathering your weapons and some supplies you’re going to have to find a vehicle. Transport yourself away from zombie infested areas and towards safety. Cities = a lot of zombies, so get into the nearest light armoured vehicle or SUV. You want to be quick and safe, so Hummers and the sort are a safe bet. The daring might decide the less safe but more fun steamroller.
- Locate Friends and Family
I know we love them and all, but during the zombie apocalypse we need them for another reason, to survive. Having a group of reliable people with you will diversify the knowledge and logic of your decisions, and ultimately keep you alive. Even though daddy can fire up a mean BBQ, once bitten, family ties are broken, and for him you’re next on the menu. In the words of the great Galactic Emperor “If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed! [shoots Luke with Force lightning].
“Avoid zombies that have the ability to shoot lighting.”
- Secure a Safehouse
You got your guns, you got transport in case the need of quick escape arises, and you got your groupies… you’re ready to settle down (the American dream). Zombies are dumb and they can’t really climb. So any shelter you use should have higher levels. Knock down the stairs and use a removable ladder to reach your sanctuary. A fence outlining your property far from your front door is nice so that the ever-present moans of zombies don’t haunt your dreams and send you into madness (really madness this time, not Sparta). A good idea would be to travel somewhere cold, really cold. Neither man nor zombie can walk outside in the Canadian Tundra or Antarctic without shelter and not freeze to the ground.
So you’re doing it! Good job, you’ve been alive this long, why can’t you stay alive tomorrow? Establish a communist civilisation, fulfill Marxism, practice lifting spaceships out of swamps with a little green man on your shoulders, and enjoy wagering on the newly initiated sport of zombie racing. Pretty much the world is your playground, well, if bullies were the flesh eating undead. Stay vigilant and you’ll stay alive. But really, you should try this human brain, it’s quite delicious… BRAINSSS!
NOT PART OF ARTICLE:
I have submitted the brochure I made that used this text as a picture to the site. Feel free to look at that brochure complete with pictures of Luke Skywalker and a some other zombie related kick ass things.