Dream Tale #1: The Pool Party That SUCKED
Now my parents always told me that I have an overactive imagination. These dreams I have, which are of extreme detail, sadly only confirm what my mother told me.
One lovely Saturday afternoon I awoke, ironically to an earsplitting noise. Thinking it was just my imagination, I went back to bed. When I finally woke up, I realized that it was 11:37, which angered me to a mild extent. When I walked into the wall, I mean den, after several hours of fifteen minutes I had realized nobody was home, not even the Velociraptor, who is usually chained to the fridge working on crossword puzzles. Upon entering the kitchen, I saw a note written in my mother's handwriting and red it aloud to myself: "brother broke head opened. Sigh, why doesn't your father put that chainsaw down already? be back soon. love mom. P.S take the microwave out of the fridge in the LEAST surgical way possible." So I did so and only suffered a MILD concussion and then went inside to play the Wii for a while, when suddenly I turned my head askew and saw a family of obese Midwesterners loitering in my backyard and swimming in the pool! The little 8 year old kid saw me and ethereally teleported throught the door and interragated me briefly, "Do you have any pool toys?"
Next thing I know, everyone from LAMP is in my backyard! As everyone enjoyed themselves near the waterside, I was worrying about what my parents would do when they saw this.* After a while of screaming in the corner and cutting myself, I realized that open brain surgery is BOUND to take some time, especially considering the size of my brother's brain. During this time, I realized that Michael Oakley, the bully at my school who steals all the girls from me, was enjoying himself and flirting with Summer and Alexis. So then he comes over to me and says, "Dude, lighten up, ya paronoid freak!" This really pissed me off. "NOBODY CALLS ME DUDE! I KNOW THE ACTUAL MEANING OF THAT WORD” as I kicked his ass into the pool, where, upon contact with the water, melted into a small compact puddle and turned into a koala that flew out of the pool and gave me a gift certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond. "um Thanks?" I replied slowly. "It’s not mine " the koala, who's name was Quantis, responded.
My cellphone then began ringing, I picked it up several times until I finally shouted HELLO as a reasonably sound sentence. I then heard that my parents will return in 45 minutes with my semi braindead brother whose overall IQ had decreased about 496 points and made him cry several times. I had to devise a clever plan to get rid of everyone quick! I walked along and noticed that my cousin Jordan had dropped a bucket of fried chicken when he realized it was fattening and would destroy his muscles slowly. "Hey Sam!" I heard a voice say, realizing that it was the bucket of chicken talking (again)."The shotgun be under your bed,Sam!" Richard Nixon waddled by abruptly and picked up the previous bucket of fried chichen off the ground. "Alright! I'm eating tonight." and then returned to the Watergate. "Here we go again!" The elephant exclaimed as it flew away.
I went to my room and found the shotgun under my bed, fully loaded and with radium solid bullets. It was Hammertime, by which I mean time in which I kill everyone. I did. After everyone was dead, flowers began to grow out of their cadavers. To end on a crispy note Officer Smiley, our school's trusty crossing guard was throwing cowpies at the fence out of sheer boredom, shouting, " Alright Alright How we doing today, you havin' a good weekend?" FINs
*LAMP is my school, for clarity.