Kid Friendly Song: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Lyrics: “Wow! Mommy's kissing Santa Claus!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep “
Adult Translation: Kid realizes at a young age that his Mom is a filthy whore who banged the Mall Santa Claus. “Billy, go look in that toy story for a minute, Mommy needs to help Santa fix his belt buckle…”
Kid Friendly Song: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
Lyrics: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.”
Adult Translation: Grandma is senile, has an alcohol problem, and possibly a prescription drug addiction. Christmas Eve parties will undoubtedly always result in Grandma getting drunk, violently storming out of the house to get her “prescription” drugs, and making up some crazy story to try and deter everyone from realizing that she should really be living in a nursing home- or a rehab. Note- Grandpa “believes” her stories because he is probably just as senile, drunk, and drugged up.
Kid Friendly Song: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me”
Adult Translation: No matter what you get your girlfriend for Christmas, she will still want more. And then she will go brag about what you got her to all her friends. Be prepared that if you didn’t get her gifts that were more expensive than what her friends’ boyfriends got for them, your sorry ass will be getting dumped for someone with a better paying job. On second thought, it doesn’t even matter because she’s dumping you anyway. She’s been banging your roommate this whole time. Spoiled bitch.
Kid Friendly Song: “Christmas Shoes”
Lyrics: “It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”
Adult Translation: Here we go again. There will always be somebody trying to guilt you into donating to the less fortunate during Christmas time. Hey kid, guess what? Jesus doesn’t care how nice your “mama’s” shoes are. He’s going to be judging her on the fact that she’s probably a meth head who got knocked up at the age of 15. She’s not really dying anyway, she’s withdrawing. Daddy sent you out here to buy her shoes, but what he really wants is for you to collect money from people who feel bad for you so that you can give the money back to him and he can go buy some more dope.
Kid Friendly Song: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”
Lyrics: “All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
Adult Translation: What kind of kid only asks for his two front teeth for Christmas? The kind that is getting abused by his father, who knocked out his two front teeth.
Kid Friendly Song: “Baby, it’s cold outside”
Lyrics: “I really can't stay (Baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to go 'way (Baby, it's cold outside)
This evening has been (I've been hopin' that you'd drop in)
So very nice (I'll hold your hands, they're cold as ice)
My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what's your hurry)
And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
So really, I'd better scurry (Beautiful, please don't hurry)
Well, maybe just one drink more (Put some music on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there)
Say, what's in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)”
Adult Translation: Girl about to get date raped by some dude. “Say, what’s in this drink?” Are you fucking kidding me? Hey sweetheart- there’s roofies in that drink.
Kid Friendly Song: “Do they know it’s Christmas?”
Lyrics: “And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?”
Adult Translation: Fucking Christians trying to push their beliefs on everyone. They live in Africa; it’s obviously not going to be fucking snowing. Also, they don’t believe in Christ, so no they don’t know it’s Christmas time, you self-righteous assholes.