Your New Year's resolution

I'm so glad 2011 is here, my birthday's this year!
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
Just visited the Empire State Building or as I like to call it, "America's Boner."
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
My friends and I were Goths in grade school. During recess we'd sit by ourselves and plot a defense against the invading Hunnic Empire.
-Conor McKeon
Buzz Lightyear settles down
"To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!"
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio. “Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.
-Alex Watt
I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.
-Connor Dowd
My dog urinated on my cocaine stash, I had to rub her nose in it.
-Seamus O'Naraigh
When my grandpa died, I came into some money. I use sexual fetishes to cope with loss.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)