If you’re a football fan then you’re not reading this right now.  You’re watching football.  Unless you’re young (which you probably are) in which case you’re doing both (and catching up on It’s Always Sunny while texting your bro Todd). 

  I’ve always liked football, and I’ve always had the dream of winning a game, but my dream was to play college football, not to play in the NFL.  Why?  Well because I could assure that, in my dream, I would be young and not an aging veteran with nothing to look forward to but years of confusion due to excessive brain damage. 

  Then again maybe I wouldn’t have brain damage because in my dream I was always the kicker.  So yes, even in my dreams I succeeded while exerting as little effort as possible.

  Now here I am, not playing football the real way.  I’m kind of tall but also scrawnier than Michael Cera on crack, and that’s not what gets you to the field.

  You see, football can give you everything you want, and when I say everything I mean some things, but those “some things” mean more to you than everything else combined. 

  Can’t afford college?  Train your ass off and get a scholarship.  I suggest setting your sights on becoming the next Mason Crosby.  Don’t know who he is?  Doesn’t matter, he made it, and if you’re in it for the fame then get off the field.  The money is where it’s at. 

  Now I hate to say it, but your age definitely affects your chances of making it to the big stage on Saturdays.  If you’re 12, then you’ve got six years to strengthen your kicking leg.  Get off the computer and get started right now!

  Now if you’re already in high school, let’s say 16, then you’ve got work to do.  The obvious option is to kick the living hell out of every ball you see laying around (YES even if it’s a plastic ball with a hamster in it).

  With this new training routine you can’t be relaxed.  Everyday missed is like watching money go out the door.  I suggest starting off with 500 kicks a day. 

  Really there’s nothing else you can do.  Maybe some squats here and there, but that’s about it. 

  You’re going to need heartwarming motivation to make a good story, so you’re going to have to find God in your life.  Don’t believe in a higher power?  Don’t worry, most athletes not named Tim Tebow don’t either.  If you do, then just pray for added strength and accuracy, if you believe it works then you’ll believe you’re better and then you’ll give off a sense of confidence that others will admire (pray that they do). 

  Now you need to try out for the football team.  Try your best to impress the coaches, but in high school ball the kicker is like Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds (and all her other movies).  The kicker really has no purpose, but the rules say he’s needed in order for the game to continue just like Tom Cruise needed Fanning’s hellish screams to motivate him into Act 3.

  Made the team?  Excellent!  Didn’t?  That’s okay, there was probably only one or two other kickers who got lucky that the coaches were gay for them or whatever bro.  Sure the coaches say that they earned it, but you know that’s not true.  Just go and make sure the first kickers disappear and make it look natural. 

  How?  I don’t know, as I told you earlier, I never made it to the college football stadium, it was/is just a dream of mine.