I was in 8th grade and sleeping over at my friend Zahed's house with my friends Luis and Scott. We snuck out that night to go to this girl Rebecca's house where we were all hoping to make out with Rebecca's friends. We were walking past a cemetery at, like, 2 AM when a cop car flashed its lights and pulled up along side us. Everyone sprinted in different directions but I froze. I was scared, partly of the cop shooting me, and partly of hopping the fence and running into the cemetery (which Scott did). Anyway, the cop was able to grab Luis, who got stuck in the fence and Zahed, who was hiding in a bush. Knowing his friends were caught, Scott came out of the cemetery. The officer let us go with a warning, but not before giving everyone a lecture that they should be more like me, and cooperate with the police. My new reputation as a policeman's bitch was not helpful in getting to 2nd base with any of the girls at Rebecca's house.
When I was in middle school my two brothers and I went to Super K-Mart with my mom. She went to go look for mom stuff while my brothers and I went to the fun part of the store. One thing led to another and we left the store 15 minutes later with packs and packs of basketball and baseball cards stuffed in our pockets. No alarms went off or anything as we headed out. It was awesome. The thrill of victory had us begging our mom to take us back the very next day. Once you taste that first rush of shoplifting you just have to chase it. We did the exact same operation, but as we were heading out of the store a female security guard stopped all of us, including my mom, and asked us to come with her. She brought us into the surveillance camera room and showed us video of us stealing the cards. She then mentioned that she saw us do it the previous day but had let us go because we were just kids. She asked me to remove my shoes, which is where I'd cleverly hidden my extra cards. I've never seen my mother more ashamed in her life. We were banned from Super K Mart until we turned 18.
I was parked at a lake with a girl when a cop pulled up behind us and knocked on the glass. He took our IDs and was giving us the business when he noticed her name and did a double-take. It turned out her Dad was a police officer too, and he had apretty serious rep. "Ms. (Surname)! Do you have any idea what your father would do to you if he- he trailed off and turned to me. "Do you have any idea what he would do to YOU?- I told him I did, and that that's why we were at the lake and not at her house.
My friends and I spent a lot of time playing on construction sites back in high school. One time we thought it would be funny if we stole a whole bale of hay and left it on the roof of another friend's car. It was pretty funny, but he had no way of getting rid of it and it ended up sitting in the back of my pickup truck for a long time. Finally one night I decided to ditch it in the middle of a cull de sac. One of the residents pulled up just as we were unloading it so we sped off. For whatever reason, these people followed us and it turned into a mini-car chase. I tried to shake them by making random, sudden turns, but without speeding or making too many traffic violations. I couldn't get rid of them and headed for a highway, intending to do figure-eights around the on and off ramps until they gave up. I thought it was a really smart plan, but I didn't consider that these people had cell phones. The cops caught up to us before we got anywhere near a cloverleaf. They made us return to the scene, take the hay bale and wait around until they'd made sure we hadn't broken into any of the houses. Because leaving hay bales in the middle of the road is something that burglars do.
I grew up in Newburgh, NY. You've probably heard us mentioned in numerous depressing national essays about corrupt local courts and fiscally cancerous small towns. We invented the plywood window. So sad and desolate was the area that the most exciting thing to do on the weekend was, I kid you not, "walking to ShopRite.- So my brothers and I often had to find other ways to occupy ourselves when our mother managed to pry us from our Sega and hurl us out the front door. One such way was to break into the local elementary school, which is what we did one cold Sunday afternoon. And it was awesome. How interesting it was that this building, which we considered on par with Buchenwald during a weekday, was like a funhouse once you removed the bullies, the teachers, and every other human being. It was so fun, in fact, that we were running full-sprint when we turned a corner and slammed into a member of Newburgh PD's finest. He had responded to a silent alarm we tripped when entering, and despite my horrible fear of lifetime incarceration, I remember thinking it was pretty cool to learn that silent alarms were real things. Before that I had always assumed they were the creations of cop movies, like cars blowing up when you shoot them, or hypnosis, or surfing bank robbers. As he hauled us to our parents in his squad car, I thought of asking the officer if lie detectors were also real. But I was in enough trouble already.
I was parked in a parking lot one nightwith my girlfriend when a cop pulled up next to us and asked us to get out of the car. He separated us and asked me, and only me, if I was there against my will.
I went skinny dipping last summer with a few friends at Coney Island.While getting our splish-splash on and frolicking in the moonlight, I looked to the beach and saw what looked like a zamboni crossing the sand.I called out to the girls around, "Check out Optimus Prime!" About that moment the zamboni, or beach cleaner, gobbled up our clothes, sucked them into its bowels and drove off. Our wallets, phones, keys, money, and underwear were all gone.We ran around naked on the beach searching for help, occasionally heading back into the water out of embarrassment.One of the girls ran up to the lifeguard stand only to find that the "lifeguards" were two dudes sharing a spliff and enjoying our show. Eventually, we found one of the drivers of the sand sucking beasts.He hunted down a bit of our clothes and returned them along with my wallet, missing $300.Wearing only my jeans and being followed by a motley crew of friends wearing one piece of clothing each,we sucked it up and approached a police car. At first they were confused by the two girls wearing t-shirts stretched to their knees and my barefoot, shirtless Huck-Finn look. Then they wised up, realized what we'd been up to, and called for back up. Luckily, they didn't arrest us, but two more cop cars showed up to enjoy our endeavor before they called cabs for us. Which we couldn't pay for. Ah, summer. I'd do it again.