Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in celebrating many of life’s smallest victories with the kind of pageantry that most people typically reserve for religious holidays. I keep a pack of confetti poppers on me at all times just in case I slap a good five.

The fact is though, that the level of neediness people demonstrate while promoting their birthday these days is getting out of control. The following is a list I have created detailing the worst kinds of people who major in birthday marketing-

 

The Status Countdown-  Facebook is for two things-Tooling on people’s lame updates, and being disappointed when you click on a friend request only to find out it's not a hot chick from one of your classes. Lately, I’ve found my tooling and friend request disappointment has been getting severely interrupted by people starting their birthday status countdowns in excess of three weeks in advance.

Three weeks. If you’re counting down your birthday three weeks in advance you better have some serious shit going down come that fateful day- I’m talking about some playing-laser-tag-with-Kobe-Bryant-on-a-Slamball-court-and-then-Tupac-shows-up-and-trades-you-his-holographic-Charizard kind of shit. Three weeks is almost a month, and you aren't Miss July, and therefore you are not important enough to own a month.

The “Birthday Monthers” –   You’ll know who these people are because they’re the same people who asked you if you’d go with them to that jazz cafe five months ago for their “half birthday.” If someone walks up to you and says “Heyyyyy it’s my birthday month/week/season,” do this person a favor and hit them in the genitals. Don’t get fancy, just give them a quick shot to the party platter just to remind them that this isn’t Canada and that kind of behavior won’t be tolerated. You can even say it’s from me.

 

What I am saying though, is I’m not above bludgeoning the aforementioned birthday self-promoters to death with framed pictures of their deceased childhood pets.