Jack Sprat could eat no fat;

His wife could eat no lean.

And so betwixt the two of them

They demonstrated why it's so important that restaurants post accurate nutritional information on their menus.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Were suspicious about the life insurance policy that the newly widowed Mrs. Dumpty had just taken out against her husband.


Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And eventually had to declare bankruptcy when he couldn't afford to pay his hospital bills.


As I was going to St. Ives

I met a man with seven wives.

Each wife had seven sacks.

But Sally Worthington from Yogilates told me they were Gucci knockoffs.


Baa baa, black sheep

Have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir,

Three bags full.

But I've already chopped it and repackaged it into wool derivatives, which I sold to that fool farmer down the street for far more than he'll be able to recoup after the weavers default on their loans.


Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With synthetic fertilizers and unregulated pesticides

And agricultural subsidies all in a row.


Old King Cole was a merry old soul,

And a merry old soul was he.

He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl,

And he called for more states to follow California's lead and decriminalize marijuana usage.


Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,

Had a wife but couldn't keep her.

He put her in a pumpkin shell,

Ultimately giving her the excuse she needed to divorce him while ensuring that she was awarded the majority of their combined assets.


Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub

And who do you think they be?

The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker.

Or perhaps just a few Catholic priests.