If you ever wondered how Vampires went from a thing of nightmares to a thing of posters in Hot Topic, well, here's a romp through Vampire history that will explain it all:



Vlad Tepes III, the Impaler

Vampire Rating: A+

Claim to Fame: His idea of making a statement was to impale thousands of his enemies onto sharp stakes through their anuses and letting them hang there for other would-be-enemies to ponder. There wasn't an ounce of weakness in the OV (original vampire), he didn't get the memo about garlic and stakes, it took several armies of the Ottoman Empire to finally lay him to rest on the battlefield.

Memorable Quote: "We killed 23,884 Bulgars without counting those we burned in the homes …"




Bram Stoker's Dracula

Vampire Rating: A

Claim to Fame: Making the leap from life to literature, Bram's Dracula somehow managed to be both incredibly creepy and yet also an incredible ladies' man at the same time; keeping a harem of freaky vampire chicks on standby and of course humping a possessed woman while in his half-wolf form. He met his wicked end with a Bowie knife to the heart and then decapitation.

Memorable Quote: "My revenge has just begun! I spread it over centuries and time is on my side."



Count Dracula

Vampire Rating: B+

Claim to Fame: He led the "golden age" classic creature line-up, effectively inventing the modern horror movie and somehow scaring the public more than the Great Depression did. On the downside he inspired decades of widow-peaked muahaha-ing parodies. But on a positive this Dracula also marked the first time that a vampire was burnt to death by exposure to the sun.

Memorable Quote: "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make." (AFI's #83 Greatest Movie Quote)




Vampire Rating: B

Claim to Fame: First appearing in Nintendo's Castlevania III, Alucard cemented the tragic hero aspect of vampire. As the tormented half-human son of Dracula, Alucard brought a new dimension to Vampire-ness managing to be both fraily human and a complete bad-ass at the same time. Unfortunetly he also introduced the Japanese obsession with androgyny to the mix. He met his untimely end when Konami decided to "re-boot" the series this year. Talk about a stake through my heart.

Memorable Quote: "Dracula, in the name of my mother, I will defeat you again!"




Vampire rating: C

Claim to Fame: Lestat brought Vampires back to the silver screen, he was arrogant, he was dangerous … after all he was Tom Cruise. Although a classic book this movie this marked the selling out of the genre. Luckily for Lestat as a character, though he has had his throat slit and he has toured hell itself, he is still going strong.

Memorable Quote: "Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we."



Edward Cullen

Vampire Rating: F

Claim to Fame: Sigh Edward is a "vegetarian" vampire who objects to feeding on people. Instead of burning to a crisp in sunlight, he sparkles. And he spends an inordinate amount of time trying to decide the proper order for making love, marriage and making vampires. Edward is why vampires suck. And as long as teenage girls are armed with their parents' credit cards he will never die.

Memorable Quote: "If I could dream at all, it would be about you, and I'm not ashamed of it."