THE CHRISTIAN KINDLE

 

Summary: The Kindle may be a fun reading device, but the Christian Kindle keeps your reading experience pure!

 

A young boy sits on a couch, scratching a dog, and scrolling through a book on a Kindle. He’s approached by his straight-laced mother.

 

mom

Hey honey, whatcha reading?

 

boy

Percy Jackson.

 

FREEZE FRAME. TITLE: “BLASPHEMY”.

 

voiceover

BLASPHEMY.

 

A spokesman walks onto the scene.

 

spokesman

You care about your family. But you should care about the literature they read even more. The Amazon Kindle finally made reading cool again… but on the downside, you have no idea the types of books your children may be downloading…that internet’s a big, scary place. But it doesn’t have to be…if you have faith.  Introducing the Christian Kindle.

 

He holds up the new Kindle, which is light-weight and resembles a Bible. The onscreen image is of Jesus Christ with the caption “OUR LORD AND SAVIOR”. The next images are of the Kindle as it is being scrolled through.

 

spokesman

With each piece of literature you download, The Christian Kindle only takes a few seconds to purge all nastiness from your latest novel when you use the “censor” function.

 

text-to-speech

Then Harry, Ron and Hermione ate a meal of fish and bread, before saying their prayers goodnight.

 

spokesman

The Christian Kindle includes both the old and new testaments, all 150 psalms and a bunch of delightful proverbs! Let’s say you want the full church experience, but are tired of monotonous text-to-speech functions. Worry no more, you can now choose from elderly reverend…

 

elderly reverend (v.o.)

“In the Lord I take refuge, how can you say to my soul, fly, bird, fly…”

 

spokesman (v.0.)

Or, black preacher.

 

black preacher

Then the great lion roared, for all of Narnia to hear, “I AM ASLAN!” Can I get an Amen!

 

The spokesman appears back in the family household.

 

spokesman

Just in case any smut does somehow find its way through the cracks, the Christian Kindle is ultra lightweight and eco-friendly, which makes it very convenient for book burnings. The Da Vinci Code? I don’t think so.

 

He produces a lighter from his pocket and it instantly incinerates the Kindle.

 

spokesman

Reading. The way God intended it.

 

CUT TO a photo of the Christian Kindle, alongside smaller photos of two Kindles engraved with their respective religious symbols.

 

 

spokesman (V.0.)

Also introducing the Kindle Torah and the Kindle Koran. But… you don’t need to buy those.

 

END