INCEPTION

 

15-year-old Arnold Hubbs sits in a chair snoozing peacefully. Enter COBB, aka Leo DiCaprio, and ARIADNE, aka Ellen Page.

 

cobb

The process is called INCEPTION. It involves extracting information from the brain of a subject while they are sleeping. Before we get started on our more difficult assignments, I’ve brought in a test subject- My neighbour’s kid…fifteen year old Arnold Hubbs. He spends most of the day sleeping anyway, and he’s a mega-geek. I assume you’re already familiar with this type of guy considering you once played a sarcastic, teenaged, pregnant ironic hipster.

 

ariadne

Way to do your homework, Monetary Jack! You are King of the World! Titanic, 1997.

 

cobb

Right. When we enter Arnie’s brain, let me take the lead…we’re going to practise a very simple extraction, even getting the subject to speak his name would be an admirable feat for a first timer. But beware- in Inception, you never know what the dreamer could be dreaming about….

 

EERIE MUSIC! BONG BONG BONG BONG

 

ariadne

Wow, where are we?

 

cobb

This is Arnie’s childhood home, I believe…but this is very wrong. We shouldn’t be here. You see, rule 932 of Inception, never have your dreamer dream about a real place…they may not realize they’re dreaming and wreak some sort of havoc.

 

ariadne

You really like to cross the t’s and dot the i’s, don’t you Howard Hughes?

 

Enter NATALIE PORTMAN.

 

ariadne

Who are you?

 

natalie

I’m Natalie Portman and I’m here to make out with you!

 

To the side, Arnie nods fervently. 

 

ariadne

What do I do?

 

arnie

Do what she says!

 

Cobb walks over to Arnie’s chair and slaps him.

 

cobb

Don’t you ever dream about anything else, you little skeeze?

 

natalie

Wait! Don’t hurt him! He’s my future husband!

 

cobb

It’s fine. He’s under an extremely strong sedative. Strong enough for him, anyway.

Ginger ale and children’s Motrin.

 

ariadne

The dream is changing…look outside…look out the window…all I can see is…topless college girls and waterfalls. That metaphysical building just erected out of nowhere! Cobb, have you ever seen anything like this before?

 

cobb

(sighs) Yes.

 

ariadne

What’s happening? What is this sensation?

 

cobb

He’s having a wet dream…

 

He goes to wake up Arnie again by slapping him. Natalie Portman disappears. This time Arnie looks mad.

 

arnie

I was enjoying that!

 

cobb

You little perv! Is sex all you ever dream about? We’re trying to get some serious work done here!

 

arnie

I’m a teenage boy! What’s happening to me is natural! You know what, you may fancy yourself somewhat of a ladies’ man who can simultaneously star in an intellectual thriller, but I’ll always remember you as Johnny Depp’s retard brother! Oh, and your mom is fat!

 

Arnie storms off.

 

ariadne

Wow, what d’you think’s eating him, Gilbert Grape’s brother?

 

cobb

Thank you for hitting the reference over the head. There’s something else I forgot to tell you about Inception. If the subject has a wet dream while you’re inside of his head, that pretty much makes you pregnant.

 

ariadne

Oh well, I have been looking for an excuse to make a sequel to Juno. Toodle-o, corn-on-the- Cobb!