THIS GUY !”

A man sits alone at a bar and motions to the bartender for a drink. He nods, acknowledging his thank you, takes a sip and sighs. Soon, he is joined by a second man, who does the same. After a while, the second man looks at the first.

 

mark

Tom? Tom Gunderson? Oh…my…God! Tommy! Tommy G, oh my God, this guy!

 

tom

(trying to be polite) Umm…hi…?

 

mark

Dude, how’s your wife?

 

tom

We split up.

 

mark

That’s too bad. You still get three kids?

 

tom

On the weekends…

 

mark

Oh man, when I think of some of the crazy ass times we had, I wonder if you should have custody over anyone at all, you crazy son of a bitch. Holy hell, that one time…

 

tom

Forgive me for sounding rude, but, I’m terrible with names…

 

mark

You don’t remember me? You honestly don’t? Mark? Mark the Shark? Mark Leroy? 2005 census you didn’t fill it out, so I came to your house?

 

tom

Umm…what?

 

mark

We spoke for like fifteen minutes! So, you were 37 then, so you must be like 43 by now…no, no, 42, because you’re birthday is December 4…you were pulling down 50 grand a year, five people in your household…but I guess not anymore.

 

tom

How…how do you remember that?

 

Enter a woman, who eyes Tom and Mark and then high-fives Mark and slaps Tom on the back.

 

fast food clerk

Oh, Mark, don’t tell me you found this crazy bastard!

 

tom

Have we met?

 

fast food clerk

Don’t give me that! Don’t try and pawn me off like that. I am telling this story. This guy, he comes into Burger Boy, orders The Everything burger, and then starts peeling stuff off of the burger? I mean, what the hell’s the point of that!

 

They both laugh at him.

 

mark

This guy is nuts!

 

tom

I’ve only eaten there once. How do you – ?

 

fast food clerk

We watch the security cam footage of that like every day.

 

tom

Listen…it’s umm…nice of you to pay me all this attention…but it’s been sort of a distressing day and I just came here to…

 

A third man enters, starts laughing his head off, grabs Tom in a headlock and noogies him.

 

Passport guy

No way! NO FREAKING WAY IS IT TOMMY GUNDERSON! OH MY GOD! THIS GUY!

 

tom

Yes…yes… it’s me… what do you want?!

 

Passport guy

Have you seen this guy’s passport photo? It took everything in my body not to crack up while taking that photo. It is so freaking hilarious. It looks like Nick Nolte’s mug shot! Come on Tommy boy, do the face. Do the face! Do the face!

 

tom

What the hell are you talking about? I got my photo taken like seven years ago, and I haven’t travelled anywhere in three!

 

passport Guy

It was so goddamn funny, right away I went and blew it up. It just hangs there in the break room now, every day I look at it and it still kills me. Do the face!

 

all (But tom)

DO THE FACE! DO THE FACE! DO THE FACE What the hell is wrong with you people! I don’t know any of you! The only relation you have to me is you flitted through my life for like a fucking half second several years ago! Don’t talk to me like we’re friends, because you mean nothing to me! NOTHING! Now leave me the fuck alone!

 

passport guy

Okay, well I was going to ask you to buy me a shot, but forget it now.

 

fast food clerk

Maybe we don’t mean anything to you, but you mean something to us. I’m sorry I ever considered you my friend.

 

mark

That’s a new side to you Gunderson, a side I’ve never seen before. I don’t like it.

 

 

They all exit. The bartender finally enters, in the middle of cleaning glasses etc.

 

tom

Geez, I just can’t catch a break. Nobody wants to talk to me, and the people who do want to talk to me are all freaks…

 

bartender

Did you say your name was “Gunderson”?  I work part-time at the IRS. Are you the guy who just handed in his 2006 taxes this year?

 

tom

Yes, that’s me. (Sighs)

 

bartender

Your signature is hilarious. And seriously, you spent 700 hundred dollars on potted plants for your office? When I spend that much on plants, I smoke them!                         (Laughs at her own joke)

 

tom

What say we go back to my place, I pull my best Nick Nolte face and I trace my signature into the small of your back?

 

bartender

I’d like that.

 

END