MINORITY COPS

nebbish writer 1

Hey, how’s it going?

 

nebbish writer 2

I just got robbed by some black people.

 

nebbish writer 1

Oh, nuts! Again? Why does this always happen to us? 

 

nebbish writer 2

Perhaps it has to do with ugly stereotypes perpetuated on television.

 

nebbish writer 1

We have to stop this! We must change the world! But how?

 

nebbish writer 2

Well, the pen is mightier than the sword…

 

FADE OUT as the writers put on their thinking faces.

 

CUT TO the set of a dingy brick-walled police station. Sounds of a siren are heard.

 

announcer 

Coming this fall, it’s the cop drama event of the season. You’re probably used to those cop dramas where the suspects and criminals are bad, stereotyped depictions of minorities. Well, no longer. Prepare to meet a force comprised entirely of minorities on “MINORITY COPS.”

 

GRAPHIC: “MINORITY COPS

 

announcer

Their daily lives are nitty…they’re gritty…they’re just a couple of cops that belong to minorities, doing cop like things. Meet Luigi, the hardened Italian cop.

 

CUT TO Luigi sitting at his desk. He is a stereotypical goofy Italian, like the Mario Brothers or the chef on “The Simpsons” He rifles through some paper work.

 

luigi

Mamma Mia! All of these bad men are driving me crazy! Why do they have to go out and do bad things…what would their mamas say? I wish I could just sit here and eat my jam doughnut and drink my grande cappuccino, but nooooo! That’s a spicy meatball!

 

announcer

Meet O’Brien…the Irish cop.

 

O’Brien approaches Luigi’s desk.

 

o’brien

Hoy ta toy tah toy tah…seven thirty in the morn, it’s awful early to be up to this crap. Luigi, I need a drink. I’d like some potatoes as well. Say aye.

 

Luigi is listening to his police radio.

 

luigi

Mamma Mia! Sounds like we have another robbery on 13 Street! In the name of Luciano Pavarotti, why mama why?!

 

O’Brien stares into the camera intensely.

 

o’brien

They’re after me lucky charms.

 

announcer

And don’t forget…the Jewish cop, Harold Steinbergovichman.

 

Enter Harold, who flails neurotically, waving around more reports and bumps into the other two men.

 

harold

Oh my I’ve got a million things to do today. Another robbery, can you believe this? Talk about not being good with the money. I don’t understand why more people aren’t as frugal as me and Eliana. Goodness, another arson down on Main Street! My people knew how to let an oil lamp burn for eight whole days and these numb nuts can’t even handle themselves around a candle! Oy vey, I’m off to the deli.

 

CUT TO the three cops lined up against a brick wall looking smug into the camera.

 

announcer

One’s Italian, one’s Irish and one’s a Jew. They’re the three baddest cops in town- bad in sense that they try risky things, not that they are improvident or anything. Sorry, bad choice of words. They’re three cops just trying to make their way…and they totally know tons of stuff about their respective cultures.

 

ZOOM IN on O’Brien’s face.

 

o’brien

We’re magically delicious.

 

PAN OUT to reveal that the two writers and a PRODUCER have been watching this the whole time. The producer is aghast.

 

nebbish writer 2

So do you like it?

 

producer

Umm, okay, well a couple things…yes, Italians, Irish and the Jewish are all of minorities but they’re still predominantly white people…you’re totally ignoring the likes of African-Americans or Latinos…

 

nebbish writer 1

We wrote a Rastafarian character, actually.

 

producer

Where was he?

 

nebbish writer 1

Robbing the bank.

 

producer

That doesn’t do anything to erase preconditions about minorities. For professional writers, you don’t seem to know anything about any other culture’s background, you just rely on flimsy media-perpetuated stereotypes!

 

nebbish writer 1

And what’s your background, exactly?

 

producer

(Taken aback)

I’m…uh…I’m Greek, actually.

 

writers

Hmm…

 

 

CUT TO a graphic which reads THE APPRENTICE: GREEK EDITION. QUICK CUT TO Donald Trump’s boardroom.

 

donald trump

Let’s take a look at your expenses this week. You had a thousand dollars given to you to invent a new sort of dinner dish you could serve at a restaurant. You purchased olive oil, tzatsiki and souvlaki and served all of them separately. Then you went out and killed a lamb with your bare hands. You gave the remaining money to your grandchildren. Oh man, no wonder your country’s in debt.

 

END