“pulp fiction jr.”

 

One character, MR JOHANSSON, leans back in his chair smugly. He is approached nervously by the VICE PRINCIPAL.

 

vp

Hi…I`d like to welcome you to the staff this year, you have no idea how hard it was to find somebody to teach Mr. Stanwick’s class drama on this short notice. You`ll have to forgive me, I`m terrible with names….Mr… ?

 

mr johansson

Johansson. I know what you`re probably thinking, but, no, no relation!

 

vp

…Relation to who?

 

mr johansson

Scarlett of course!

 

vp

Um. Right. I don`t know if this is exactly my domain because I don`t have as much experience in the field as you but some of the staff and I were curious about your choice of this year`s… play.

 

mr johansson

You are not allowed to censor me! You know what they say – arts are like a lily flower and censorship is the badger that tries to strangle it. All I am trying to do is expose the children to one of America`s most beloved Broadway plays.

 

vp

But that`s just it! It never WAS a Broadway play… it`s a movie! And for the record, it`s one of the most nefariously profane movies ever!

 

 

mr johansson

Oh, pish posh Mr. Vice Principal! If it will make you feel any better I have already taken the liberty of cutting out all of the swears from the script!

 

vp

I’m – to say the least- very curious as to how this is playing out in your head. Please, please keep things under control…normally we ask kids to invite their parents but I don`t know if that`s super necessary this time.

 

He turns and exits. Mr Johansson stares after him, and then after a moment claps his hands together.

 

mr johansson

Alright my children! Places from the top of scene one, please and thank you!

 

BLACKOUT. Music indicating time has passed. LIGHTS UP.

 

mr johansson   

Good evening ladies and gentleman! My name is Mr Johansson and I have been teaching your children the dramatic arts in Mr. Stanwick’s injury spurred absence. I am so glad that everybody`s parents and caregivers could be here today. It has been my personal pleasure to work closely with your children for many months now and they are such incredible little thespians they make my heart want to burst. Now, please welcome Mr. Stanwick`s grade 3 and 4 class split production of PULP FICTION!

 

PULP FICTION intro music plays. The four children, 3 BOYS and a GIRL, all play multiple roles. Lights change between each section; this is a montage version of highlights from the play. The acting is stilted, nervous, full of awkward breaths, the sort of thing you`d expect from an elementary school play. Gradually though the actors will get more and more intense.

 

 

 

 

BOY 1

Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?

boy 2

No, what? Can you please tell me?

 

boy 1

A Royale with cheese. Because of the Metric system.

 

boy 2

Wow, Jules. Thank you for teaching me that.

 

Boy 1 and 2 tower over a third boy sitting in a chair.

 

boy 1

What country are you from?

 

boy 3

What?

 

boy 1

What is not a country that I have ever heard of? Do they speak English in what? Describe Marsellus Wallace to me.

 

boy 3

He is an African-American…

 

boy 1

Does he look like a guitar?

 

boy 3

No. 

 

boy 1

Then why are you trying to play him like a guitar? (very nervous now, fumbling over big words, this is his big moment…) The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay me vengeance upon thee.

 

boy 2

That is a pretty darn good milkshake. I don`t know if it`s worth five dollars, but maybe if I worked really hard at my chores I could earn five dollars and buy one.

 

Boy 2 shyly dances with a girl, doing the iconic dance contest moves, but as if a coy eight year old were being forced to dance with a girl.

 

One boy is positioned behind another as if they`re actually doing the unspeakable scene from this movie. Then he grabs his arm…

 

boy 3

Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting herself!

 

 

boy 1

Your father…entrusted this watch to me. For seven years, he kept it up his behind.

____________________________________________

 

Girl lies on the ground. Boys 2 and 3 are freaking out.

 

boy 2

She accidentally ate a peanut and now she`s having an amana-phil-actic attack!

 

boy 3

You should have consulted the school nurse first but if it is an absolute emergency you should take her Epi Pen and jab it straight into her heart.

 

boy 2

How do I use an Epi-Pen?

 

boy 3

Well, I will show you…

 

All of the students assemble on stage for the final number.

 

all

Hamburgers, milkshakes, Royales with Cheese /                       Bruce Willis`s girlfriend wanted pancakes with blueberries/

Watch out for Marsellus Wallace, he`s coming for you /

Giving his girl a foot massage is wrong ballpark too/

Thank you for coming, we`ve had lots of fun /

We hope you liked our production of Pulp Fict-ion!

 

 

LIGHTS down, then come back up full. VP walks onto stage clapping, but it`s clear he`s just trying to support the kids. Mr Johansson looks less impressed.

 

vp

That was good, kids! You all worked very hard tonight.

 

mr johansson

 That was not terrible, children. You all performed alright, with the exception of the child who played Samuel L Yackson. Please leave the gymnasium now.

 

Boy 1 exits, head slumped.

 

mr johansson

You see where little Mikey made his mistake? You should never try to impersonate a black person if you are not going to use blackface. I lobbied very hard for its usage, but the idea was ix-nayed by your square of a vice principal.

 

vp

Um…

 

mr johansson

So to teach you children a proper lesson about the perils of censorship, we will all be using blackface for this fall`s production of MALCOM X.

 

vp

Wow…I honestly don`t know if I can think of anything MORE offensive.

 

mr johansson

Stop badgering my lily, lily-badger!

 

END