We are in the midst of a very difficult time. It's true: thousands have lost their jobs, we're on the edge of massive inflation, and never has the housing market sucked so hard. But that’s not what I’m going to be talk about right now.
No, right now I am going to talk about something that's been on my mind for quite some time—something that irks me just a little more than anything going on in Congress.

I'm taking, of course, about the Giant Panda Bear.


Now, I should warn you that the following information may not be pretty to look at, but I can assure you I did my research. This is all true science fact that everyone should be made aware of.

Every year we spend hundreds of millions of dollars on the Giant Panda Bear, a species that should by no means still be alive.

There was once a scientist by the name of Charles Darwin.
Darwin was a pretty smart guy. He knew that nature, and everything within it, wasn't just some accident. There are rules you have to follow. You must either kill or be killed.

Species that can adapt to their environment are more likely to survive and reproduce and therefore take the place of the lesser-evolved species.
The panda, however, refuses to play by these rules.

 Pandas are native to Western China where they spend most of their time sitting around eating bamboo. A panda's diet is 99% bamboo.
An adult panda must eat about forty pounds of bamboo a day just keep itself alive. It spends all day every day looking for bamboo, eating bamboo, and sleeping on bamboo.

Now, this wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that Pandas are actually carnivores. Their teeth and digestive systems are designed to eat and process meat!

THEY’RE BEARS!

This is a species that doesn't even know what on God's green Earth it's supposed to eat. It spends all its waking hours eating the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to and getting no energy from it. It is because of this that the pandas are not very mobile.

You will be surprised to know that a female panda ovulates only three days out of the entire year. That's it, three days. And it's not like the males are exactly lining up for her. In fact, most of the time, the male is either disinterested or incompatible with the female.

And the chances that they will mate in captivity are even lower.Researchers have even gone as far as showing them Panda-porn and giving the males Viagra. No dice.

As a result, most females undergo artificial insemination. Ever wonder why the media goes crazy whenever a panda gives birth? Because it is such a rarity.

And it’s interesting that the only time a panda does eat meat, is when it has a baby.Can you guess what is the only meat a panda eats then?
Bingo. It eats the baby.

The pandas don't want to reproduce. All they want to do is eat bamboo and the occasional baby panda-flavored hot pocket. And they wonder why the hell they’re so tired all the time.

 Another reason why the panda is such a God-awful creature is its complete and total lack of camouflage. For thousands of years, the giant panda bear has been hunted and killed for its warm, glossy fur. Now you would think, after being hunted for thousands of years, that the panda would maybe adapt to blend in a little more with its surroundings. The thing is black and white for God's sake!


You know what's not black and white?
The brightly green jungles of China!

Not only that, but the panda barely has any energy to even run. It is a black and white stationary target!

All the other animals get it! They get it!They know that if you want some sort of protection from other predators you're going to have to blend in.

Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot continue to throw away hundreds of millions of dollars each year on the conservation of a species that does not want to exist in the first place. I'm urging you: Please don't save the pandas.


If the movie Fight Club has taught us anything, it’s that “we should put a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that won't screw to save its own species.”

Tyler Durden knows what he is talking about.

Now, I know pandas are cute.I know they’re fluffy. But they're just not worth the amount we're putting into them. Think of all the totally other kick-ass endangered species that we're not giving hundreds of millions of dollars to each year.

So I'm begging you: Save your money.Don't save the pandas.



Special Thanks to Rachel Helms.
Artwork by Jordan Mullaney (//JarJarrr.DeviantArt.com)