No date for Valentine's Day? Sure you can go to Build a Bear Workshop and create a bear with a special audio message “for the Valentine who is always there for me….me." Or try the old sitcom scenario of having flowers sent to your dorm room, office or bunk at the halfway house “from a secret admirer." However you know that is only going to make you even sadder. After all you have completely failed at life if you can't score a Valentine's date; meet the guy or girl of your dreams and future spouse especially if you're in college, the greatest dating service ever. But take the gun out of your mouth; there are some alternative things to do this Valentine's Day!
Romantic Weekend Getaway: Extreme Kidnapping
Couples this Valentine's Day will plan a romantic getaway weekend in places like Napa Valley, Martha's Vineyard, or a night in the love suite of the Motel 6.. but not you! You will be spending a weekend being kidnapped by the team at Extreme Kidnapping!According to their website “Extreme Kidnapping has beenthe premiere service provider of the most realistic, hardcore, movie-style kidnapping adventure scenario's in the country." The group offers several different kidnapping packages so you can be kidnapped for various lengths of time and “ransom!- Instead of being tied to a bed post and tickled with a feather, you'll be tied to a chair and beaten with a club! You can even chose to be abducted by “The Elite All Girls Kidnapping Team"hot ass kicking Valentine's! The whole experience is to try and teach people how to survive a real kidnapping which there is a high probability you will be the victim of since kidnapers like to target people who live alone.
Valentine's Dinner: Famous Fat Dave's NYC Eating Tour
Couples this Valentine's Day are going to have a lovely candle lit dinner at fancy restaurants like Morton's, Spago or Denny's. The guy will pick up the girl and they will drive to where a reservation is waiting for them with flowers, chocolates and champagne on the table .. but not you! You are going to be picked up by Famous Fat Dave! According to Dave's websiteyou will “Chow your way through the real New York City in a classic Checker Cab with a pickle man/cheesemonger/hot dog vendor/bread truck driver…" Who needs a preset $70 four course Valentine's Day menu at some stuffy restaurant when you can have an entire EATING TOUR! One of Dave's fine culinary packages includes “The Pickle Tickle Tour- where he takes you to NYC's finest pickles! Nothing says romance like eating fermented vegetables in the back of an old taxi cab. Famous Fat Dave is like Cupid for your gut! And if you're going to be alone, you might as well get fat!
Sexy Role Playing: Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp
Couples this Valentine's Day will visit lingerie stores for lacey underwear, the sex store for naughty toys and the costume store to dress up as a Furry... but not you! You will have “..the once in a lifetime opportunity to jam with legendary rock stars " at the Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp!And you're not going to be playing Guitar Hero with the twelfth ex-drummer from Megadeth. This year your Valentine is rock icon, The Who's Rodger Daultrey! Now any old Joe or Jane can now live out the fantasy of performing with a rock star! That is if you remortgage your house, sell a kidney, or use your semester's college tuition to attend the Camp! You too can awkwardly jam next to SLASH for just seven thousand dollars! It's not like you are going to need that money to buy presents for loved ones! So this Valentine's Day blow all of your money living the dream you will NEVER truly fulfill. Slash will return to his bordello of beautiful groupies serving his every sexual desire, and you will return to your empty apartment to “strum your guitar."
This Valentine's Day couples will visit bed and breakfasts hiding away from the world, making love, taking bubble baths and choking each other with bondage ropes …but not you. You will be preparing for Doomsday! Terra Vivos Survival Networkis creating a survival bunker in the Mojave Desert to house thousands of people in luxury in the event of catastrophe! You can reserve your space for only fifty grand! They claim “Our nuclear blast-proof shelters will provide you with up to one-year of autonomous underground survival, and a secure base to restart thereafter " So rack up credit cards you won't be using on Valentine gifts and get your space now! Look on the bright side; this is your chance at love! You will have to repopulate the earth with a hot barbarian chick. Once you've impregnated her enough times to make that 19 Kids and Counting Duggar lady jealous you can be happy knowing your virile seed is the savior of the human race! You are the ultimate Cupid!