Eat your lousy chocolate-filled heart out

2012: get rich or die Mayan
-Steph Belsky (@stephbelsky)
I'm so obsessed with cleanliness, I wash my hands BEFORE I go to the bathroom instead.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Black Guy's Twitter Update When He Walks Into A Store
@StoreEmployee is now following you.
-Conor McKeon
Anyone that says soup is filling was already full of sh*t to begin with.
-Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt)
I used to be REALLY into legos, but then I learned how to masturbate.
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
What's the hottest new trend in Frat-house architecture? Natural light, brah!
-Michael Musgrave
Stereotypes
I like to go to the mall and yell stereotypes at Asian families, like "Sony HT-SF470 Surround Sound Home Theater System!"
-Patrick Merryman (@PatrickMerryman)
I'm not usually one to wax poetic, but have you seen Emily Dickinson's bikini line lately?
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)