One night four years ago, I was the designated driver for a group of friends. A second sober friend turned up, so I decided to duck out. When I got to my car I noticed a cop parked not far away. He was watching me. Being as I was sober, I ignored him. I use a wheelchair during due to a birth defect, but I can still walk. I do have a hardcore limp that makes me look like a drunk penguin. The cop watched me get out of my chair, load it into my Blazer and then get in and drive away. He pulled me over a block away, and the first thing he said was "Were you drinking tonight? You were walking a bit funny back there." All I could do was stare, and then I just started to laugh. He got defensive and asked what was so funny. I just pointed to my chair and to my parking sticker. At this point he looked really horrified. I couldn't help myself, so I asked if I should get out and try walking a straight line. He just said no, and left.
I got a speeding ticket when I was 17. Thanks to Mass's new law at the time, I would have lost my license for the entire summer. I went to court to argue the ticket; I gave my spiel and the cop gave his. The court magistrate decided I was guilty. I decided to appeal it. He got all the way through the paperwork, we even had a date and time set for the appeal, when he stopped and asked the trooper if I had been to court before. He said no. The magistrate turned to me and asked, "Did you do Mock Trial?" I had. It turned out the guy had been my law coach a while back. He only found me guilty because he thought he recognized me from being in court all the time. After clearing it with the trooper he turned back to me, and while ripping all the other paperwork up, said "I am going to find you not guilty. Have a great day."
When I was in high school, I got suspended from school because of my blog. I made joking comments about hitting a girl in the back of the head with a specially designed "amnesia rock" that would make her forget about being creepy and stalking my friend. At any rate, she found it, showed her parents, yada yada yada, suspended from school. That's when the police became involved. Because I'd "threatened her," they kept coming to school looking for me. I'd been warned that the police might get involved, so every time there was a cop car in front of my school, I would ditch my next class so they wouldn't know where I was. This worked for two weeks, until the vice principal caught me and dragged me out to the cop car. The cop just wanted to talk about what I'd written. When I talked to him, it turned out he knew a lot about me. He'd been reading my blog for the two weeks they were looking for me. That's right. A police officer was paid to read my blog. I felt pretty accomplished. At least I knew I had one reader.
My buddy and I were driving around one night back in high school. He was driving. We came to a four way stop, and he pretty much rolled though it. Immediately we were pulled over. The cop approached us and said, "Boys I pulled you over today because you rolled right through that stop sign."
"Well officer, I sort of stopped," my buddy said.
"Well how about this," the cop said. "I pull you out of your car, lay you on the ground and start beating the crap out of you with my billy club . Would you want me to fully stop or just sort of stop?"
He let us off with a warning and taught us a valuable lesson.
I was walking home one night and decided to cut through a golf course. It easily knocks 40 minutes off the trip. As I came out the rear entrance of the course, I walked by a light-blue Lebaron parked nearby. As I went by it, police lights kicked on and it pulled up beside me. A guy in plain clothes got out and started questioning me. I told him to f*** off and kept walking. He ran in front of me and told me he was a cop. For some reason, I didn't believe him. I demanded to see his badge. He pulled it out too quickly, so I doubted the authenticity of it. I asked to see his gun. He refused, so I kept walking thinking he was a joke. At that point his partner got out of the car, in uniform and started pushing me around. I was still insisting that they prove that they were cops, because what cop drives a Lebaron? Finally the guy goes back to the car, pulls out a radio and calls in three official cop cars. They start writing me tickets, and the whole time the guy in uniform is berating me, saying I'm going nowhere in life and making me feel stupid.
The next morning, the cop called my house looking for me. I didn't return his call. The following day he came to my house looking for me, but I wasn't home.I month later I went to the municipal court to pay the fine. When I got to the window the woman started laughing her ass off. Apparently the officer had given me the wrong color copies of the tickets. He'd given me were the ones that needed to be filed. Since I had them, they never were filed. I got off scott-free and walked out of there with a big grin on my face. Who is stupid now?
Back in high school, a couple buddies and I skipped school to go watch The Matrix. When we got to the theater, we decided to smoke a joint to intensify the movie. So there we are, behind the theater, getting high. I sparked a cigarette just as the joint was finished, when a security guard opened the back door and yelled "Hey! What are you kids doing?" My friend immediately dropped the joint and put his foot over it. We all froze, too scared to respond, heads staring at the ground. He asked again what we were doing, and none of us said a word. He finally asked " do you kids speak English?" Immediately, our eyes all lifted to each other and smirked. "Oh noo meester pour-eese no engrish! Speakuh engrish no! Cigar! Cigarette smoking!" He was dumbfounded and went back inside. I love being asian.