Not since discovering that an actually retarded person from my class got married before me have I been as shocked as I was to learn there are still people in their twenties who are virgins. I thought virgins over the age of 16 had gone extinct, like dinosaurs and people with good taste who still listen to Kings of Leon. Not so!

An attractive, 20-something acquaintance recently expressed gratitude that her dickhead boyfriend dumped her before she gave up the poon. Now she can continue to cherish her precious V-card and give it to a man who won’t end up sucking. Except those men don’t exist. They all fucking suck! And before you think I’m some hairy-twatted feminist, let me say that my twat is glorious, and I don’t think non-sucky chicks exist either.

EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE. The first person you bang, regardless of how charming they may seem or how understanding they are when you first shit your pants after a night of drinking, will eventually reveal themselves as the awful shitheads they are. If you’re waiting for your perfect soul mate to lovingly take that V-card off your hands, you’re going to die horny and alone with cobwebs on your genitals.

The first dude I smashed ended up dating my cousin. The next guy HAD DREAD LOCKS. After him came a frat boy with a Jesus tattoo. Then there was the man who was virtually indistinguishable from a koala, not to mention the teenage model who “accidentally” rammed his dick up my ass. There may have been a gay homeless man somewhere in there too. In other words, I have experienced a lot of low-quality cock in my time. I didn’t die (although I may have barfed on one or all of these twerps). My vag did not reject me and fall off. You can’t have the good without the bad, and you certainly can’t appreciate a good peen without screwing a few questionables first.

And can the religious arguments. The only dudes who insist on a virginal bride are gay and giving all of their love to Jesus. Tits make them gag and they’ll totally suck in the sack, so you’re better off getting your fun lays while you still can and then lying about being a virgin later like every other religious idiot I know.

Your stupid dicks and vaginas aren’t sacred treasures. They don’t need to be locked up and protected, but shared with the world, like democracy or SARS. Get over yourselves, get on top of someone else, and give it up.