This Residential Lease legally signifies that the parties whose signatures appear below have entered a contract of mutual annoyance. The Lessor, who will surely hereafter be referred to as That Landlord Who Was Once A Student But Stuck Around Too Long And Was Disfigured By Time Into A Townie (TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT), agrees to rent this property to TENANT as a private residence/sty of debauchery.
1. TERMS: This Rental Agreement shall go unread by TENANT, and TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT will likely take advantage of this negligence and secure permission to do shady things like installing bathroom cameras or cultivating an asbestos farm.
2. PAYMENTS: All rent payments are to be made the day before tickets for literally every awesome concert that ever comes to town go on sale. Payments can be made by cash or check, but soon-to-expire gift cards shall not be considered. If TENANT comes from a family that uses the word vacation as a verb, he/she should forward this document onto Father, who will undoubtedly "see to it.-
3. SECURITY DEPOSIT: Under no circumstance will the security deposit be returned upon completion of the lease. Nope, not a chance. Even if TENANT is quiet, friendless, and Asian, his/her biological study odor will linger permanently, decreasing the unit''s value by the percent equivalent of a single shameful letter grade.
4. UTILITIES: TENANT agrees to pay all the standard understood utilities, unless TENANT repeatedly mentions that, "OMG,- this is her "VERY FIRST APARTMENT,- in which instance utilities shall include but are not limited to: water, electricity, cooking gas, heating gas, air conditioning gas, internet, liquor license, cable, groundskeeping, parking maintenance, and property tax.
5. OCCUPANTS: Outside of agreed TENANT, no guest(s) shall be permitted more than one week''s occupancy without consent of TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT. This includes girlfriends, guys named Schmiddy who are between places at the moment, community college students vicariously living the real deal, unemployed recent graduates, and Randy Quaid.
6. CONDITION OF PREMISES: TENANT acknowledges that the unit is mostly a dump to begin with, but although the carpet is dark enough to hide minor stains and burns, most bodily fluids are too glossy to buff out with a sock. TENANT agrees to get his/her hands on a Swiffer at some point to take care of the cotton candy-like accumulations of dust and hair on the baseboards, and TENANT should take to dried Jackson Pollack toilet splatters with annoying roommate''s toothbrush whenever feeling passive aggressive. Most damages can probably pass as wear and tear, so as long as TENANT Febreezes the unit from time to time, the resultant fines will only be a hundred bucks or so more than the security deposit.
7. RECEIPT OF AGREEMENT: The undersigned TENANT, no matter how responsible or Adderall-driven, has failed to fully read or understand this agreement and is now humming that one Katy Perry song that no one admits to liking. Baby you''re a firework. Come on let your colors burst. Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh.- TENANT hereby acknowledges the understanding of this Rental Agreement.
TENANT''s Signature: __________________________
TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT''s Signature: _________________________