1) Be a famous actor. Have a father who is also a famous actor.

2) Wear a fedora. If you do not own a fedora, get one. It will make you look young – disguising the effects of years of substance abuse and partying.

3) Drink.

4) Drink.

5) Drink.

6) Smoke.

7) Date wildly age-inappropriate women.

8) Have an ego the size of a small elephant, which leads you to say and do outlandish things that "civilized" people would detest. Maintain that you are the victim.

9) Insult your producer in the most degrading way possible, on national radio. (See #8)

10) Demand a 50% raise when you're already the highest-paid actor on television. Back off on this issue later. You may have to give up your dream of building a 1000 foot high tree fort in the rainforest.

11) Join Twitter. Gain 60 000 followers before you Tweet anything. Set a Guinness World Record by gaining 1 million followers in just 25 hours because you promoted your Twitter account on (sigh) MySpace.

12) Drink.

13) Drink.

14) When accused of being in denial, agree – to the point you deny your critics' very existence.

15) Have Paris Hilton feature your estranged wife in her new reality show. This cannot go wrong at all.

16) Use drugs.

17) LOTS of drugs. Preferably enough drugs to kill Two and a Half Men.

18) Have tiger blood.

19) Endorse conspiracy theories about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Disseminate these theories via a web show that you film in your home with your girlfriend.

20) Start a web series after your business relationship with your bosses falls through. Have no discernible plot whatsoever. Ramble about what you keep in your desk drawer. Somehow manage over 650 000 views in under 24 hours despite the poor quality.

21) Have Jerry O'Connell impersonate you.

  1. Generally act like an inept man-child in every situation possible. People love kids.

  2. Refer to yourself as “a rock star from Mars with fire-breathing fists and Adonis DNA.”

24) Drink.