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My girlfriend has always fantasized about performing oral sex on me with chocolate syrup. Reluctantly I finally agree to do it. After About 10 seconds into it she decides that it is gross and decides to quit and leave the room. Leaving me with a crusty chocolate covered penis.
Sometimes, my girlfriend barks at my dog and she then asks me if he understood.
When my ex girlfriend and i were still dating i overheard her trying to tell her roommate that i have a small penis in some stupid girl code. Until her I had always been complemented on the size of my dong, so I attributed her dissatisfaction to her giant vag. The next 3 girls i slept with all told me that "before they slept with me they only thought sized mattered." I don't know why anyone would think that's a compliment. It's not. It cuts deep. Real deep.
My girlfriend gets mad when I leave the room to fart, and makes me do it in the bathroom.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a good few years, yet he gets SO tense whenever I use his laptop. Like, he does not take his eyes off the screen for a minute! One day when I was at his house waiting for him to get home, I looked through some of his history. Turns out, he watches porn. Weird, weird porn. I have yet to confront him I'm going to wait and see if he picks a fight sometime soon, then I can throw this in his face.
My girlfriend asked me what channel she could turn to so she can watch the parades of March Madness
My boyfriend and I were doing 69 and were really enjoying it when suddenly his younger brother was at the door yelling at him and knocking on the door. We both didn't move but stopped doing our "jobs" and he had to reply back so that his brother didn't try to come in. My bf's door had a reputation of opening even when you thought it was locked. I was so freaked out. Luckily, his brother left us alone so we could pick up where we left off.
After the first blow job I gave I had no idea what to do with myself. Desperately trying not to see inexperienced, I just looked up from the guys lap and gestured at the wall behind him and said "thats an interesting painting". Post-ejaculatory small talk FTW!
For St. Patrick's Day, I went to a club wearing a shirt my roommate made me that said "Kiss Me I'm BLACK" on both sides of it. It worked :D