It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
My roommate Al, has always been this needy, self-absorbed prick. He made me buy all the sh*t for our dorm, because he said he couldn't afford it, although he drives a 2010 escalade. He spent 90% of his time in our dormroom. He always kept the tv loud as sh*t at night, while I tried to sleep. Well, we have a class together and he never goes. He typically "borrows" my notes and ends up doing better than me on the tests. So this past week, I created my own set of "notes" just for him, which he "borrowed" the day before our test. Guess who got a 12 out of 100 on the test that counted for 25% of our grade? Yeah, I don't play motha f*cka.
My roommate and I are great friends, and he is a good guy, but when I was cleaning our apartment I sprayed too much febreeze and it got in your aquarium and killed your stingray. Sorry.
Hypno Toad from CMU
Last year I lived with randoms. Two of them were okay, but one was a total bitch who unfortunately was the daughter of the landlord. She would power trip about absolutely everything: we had quiet hours at 9 at every night, were not allowed to have friends over, had internet that never worked because she used all the bandwidth, didn't lock the bathroom door when she was shaving her disgustingly hairy cooch, and when my other roommate wanted to have 4 people over on his birthday to watch a movie she had a temper tantrum and told her parents they were having an unauthorized party. After she threatened to evict my other roommate for taking a shower during 'quiet hours', I had enough. Next time I was in the washroom, I put the nozzle of her face-wash up my butt. The next week, her already bad acne was much worse. The best part? When I told my other roommate about it, I found out that he had already jizzed in her shampoo months earlier. Next time, try to not be such a bitch.
This entire quarter a bunch of girls have taken to taking over my floor and singing (loudly) about Jesus at odd hours of the day and well into the night. After guiltily asking them to stop (who am I to say you can't sing about Jesus?!) or be quieter because of sleep or study, I decided to get revenge. One weekend both girls in the room next to mine went home but left their door open, since one or both tends to forget her keys. When I realized that one of them was the main loud Jesus singer, I invited my boyfriend to visit and we spent an entire morning having sinful sex on her bed underneath all of her Bible quotes. Ever since then, I can't stay mad when she wakes me up at 3 AM with her singing.
My roommate likes to get drunk and falsely accuse me of things, without ever being able to admit she was wrong or apologize. Most recently she tried to say I was making up stories about her friends coming on to me so I could sound like a victim and get sympathy while trying to sleep with them. She then tried to kick me out of the house (I had to stay at a boyfriend's for a month until it put too much stress on the relationship and he ended things). After moving back into my room, she has made a point to scream that I'm a whore to everyone who comes over, violently throws anything I leave in the living room, blares ICP when I'm sleeping, tried to ban me from using dishes via a passive aggressive note on the whiteboard (she's giving me the silent treatment), and the topper told everyone my current boyfriend grabbed her ass one night when he came in. Kind of sounds like something she may have falsely accused me of doing, right? I finally got tired of ignoring her and trying to be the better person, so I logged into the administrative settings for the router (that I own and operate out of my room), and blocked only her MAC address from accessing her email and the school webpage where assignments, quizzes, schedules, and grades are posted. I can also change this to full internet access, and even set it for specific times on specific days. (Meaning nothing will ever be physically disconnected, the rest of the roommates will have full internet access just fine, and this will happen randomly when I'm not even at home.) I have found a new way to get through finals week of my senior year with a smile on my face, because even if she suspects I'm involved, she knows nothing about computers and wouldn't even be able to fathom how I did it. The best part? Even if she does somehow figure it out, the admin password for our router is now the scientific name of my favorite animal plus all the digits of pi I can remember off the top of my head. Shouldn't have pissed off a nerd.
Revenge of the Nerds
So my roommate has this stupid cat. He's absolutely huge and eats like every five minutes so of course he's going to take big shits all the time. For some reason, my roommate thought that it was okay to clean out his litter box every 3-4 weeks. Since the cat shits all the time, the box smelled awful! It smelled so bad that from the moment you entered our apartment, you could smell cat shit/piss. Eventually, the cat even started to think the litter box was too gross and begin to shit in our hallway. You'd think this would give her a hint, right? Nope, she just ignored it. After a few weeks of him shitting in the hallway, I decided that something had to change. So one weekend while she was out of town, I took my revenge. I got a spoon and fished out the biggest, nastiest turds in the litter box and sprinkled them all over her room. I put them under her bed, in the middle of the floor, in her closet, on the windowsill, and in her bed. When she got back and saw all the turds, she got really mad at the cat and finally made the decision to scoop out the cat box everyday. I'm glad she finally got the hint.
I caught my roommate today trying to clean the toilet with my toothbrush. We ended up fighting and I gave him a black eye. To all of people that post that you have cleaned your toilet with a roommate's toothbrush, that is nasty as hell and really fucked up. And plus that shit is unoriginal as hell.
Phil Copperstone from Duke
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