11. Jamba Juice

Because ice cream doesn't have any wiggle room for denial, chug down one of these sugar-loaded dessert drinks and convince yourself you just got a little healthier because of that "shot" of protein that mostly just settled into a thick sludge at the bottom of your styrofoam cup. The only permissible excuse for being in a Jamba Juice is to steal cold air and clock some sweet, sweet free bathroom time after pounding a highly superior Slurpee.

12. A Disposable Camera

Hey dudes! You should go to the beach and make memories and grill some meat and take pictures of it all! Yeah, your phone has a camera in it, but you're really looking to take some authentic, blurry, finger-in-the-way, insufficient-flash pictures. Like people used to do in the good old days (on TV). One way or the other, you're going to forget to take any notable pictures all day, but it doesn't matter, because you were never going to get the pictures developed anyway. Classic!

13. "Summer" Beer

Hold up, bucko. Not the good, tasty, it's-ok-to-drink-this-at-10-in-the-morning-because-it's-summer kind of beer, but the super cheap summer flavors kind that your local store is selling now. Take a hit of that Raspberry Banana Kumquat Summer Ale or whatever other kind of monstrous, vaguely yogurt-flavored, infusion was thought up by those corporate shills who never heard of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and wonder why the hell you bought another 23 of these tastebud insults. Oh, yeah, they had the word "summer" on the packaging.

14. A Portable Fan

Everyone knows air conditioning is for Wall Street fat cats and wimps, so take pride in your handheld heat pushing machine. It doesn't matter if it's pink or crafted to look like a sunflower, because it's keeping you sort of cool and making your voice sound like Darth Vader's when you speak into it. And if that's not enough, most of them spray water, so you can use over-zealous spritzing as an excuse for embarrassing sweat stains or simply just an excuse to say "spritzing."

15. Shorts That Might Be a Little Too Short

Summer is about compromise, and never is that more apparent than in shopping for shorts, which have never looked good on anyone ever. Aah. This feels a little uncomfortable. Are they... supposed to be this short? Are you showing too much knee? What is it about short shopping that transports you to a 1880s mindset when it comes to showing your legs? Maybe that your thighs are pasty and weird-looking, or maybe you just haven't found the right shorts yet. Yeah, you should probably go buy two more pairs at the Gap.