A few weeks ago I decided to spend the night at my girlfriend's house. She assured me that her parents would both leave early in the morning so all I had to do was wait until they left and I could walk out the front door. Apparently, she forgot the next day was cleaning day. Her mom spent 4 hours cleaning the house, stranding me in my girlfriend's room. I had to email my teacher and explain why I wasn't able to make it to class. The best part was, being lesbians, the irony of having to hide in her closet when her mother came in.
Just earlier today my girlfriend and I were down at the lake where there were about two dozen people in the large swimming area. Well, while her and I were swimming around, she eventually got the idea to just be carried around in my arms and since she weighed next to nothing in water, I had little issue with it. Well, after a short time she started feeling a bit frisky so we inevitably winded up having sex in the deep end with people around. We did try to be at least somewhat discreet about it and just make it look like I was just still 'carrying her'. The amusing point in this endeavor was when a father and a rather young child passed by and the father being all like "aw, that's cute" while unbeknownst to him what was actually going on in the murky depths. Thank god it was murky.
The other day, I was going down on my boyfriend. My neck started to kink, so with my boyfriend's penis still in my mouth, I yanked my head sideways to crack it. For some reason he got a massive fright from the sound and action combined. He flinched and looked at me with a terrified expression. "Oh my god
I thought you just broke my cock."
he was nervous about letting me start up again!
My first semester at college, I hooked up with this really unattractive guy. It was a lapse in judgement on my part, but I was lonely, and homesick. He was an awful kisser, had bad breath, was awkward, and actually bruised me because he was so rough. I made up an excuse to leave, and as I was leaving, he made sure to tell me that just because we hooked up, it didn't mean we were dating. Fine with me, man. I have higher standards anyways.
One time, my boyfriend was asking if he could cum on my chest. When I said yes, he started singing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."
I let my girlfriend scratch my scabs off in exchange for her letting me pop her pimples.
Whenever the guy I've liked forever gets drunk, his behavior is predictable. He gives me a big hug and says "I love you. You're the one girl I can be close friends with and never be physically attracted to." Getting drunk with him is always a blast.
I went down on a guy in the back of my car. Being slightly sick and not very suave I said "I can't tell if this is phlegm or semen in my mouth" while driving him home. He replied with "it's certainly not semen, I can tell you that." Ouch.
One day I was sitting on my (now ex) boyfriends lap. My stomach was kind of upset and kept gurgling, which I played off as being hungry. One time a gurgle caused me to fart and he totally felt it. He asked if my phone vibrated and I said yes. I stopped sitting on his lap after that.
Last night my girlfriend decided to start calling my penis Representative Weiner