According to speculation, Howard K. Stern had been keeping Anna Nicole Smith drugged up 24/7 just to make money off her. I don't know if she had any idea of what she was doing or saying for at least the past five years of her life.
    According to my mom, NASA killed Anna Nicole to take attention off of their crazy diaper-wearin' astronaut lady who claimed she was just having a "friendly chat" with the woman she tried to mace. Okay, mom.
    Well, I have to weigh in with a conspiracy theory of my own, but this time it's about Britney Spears.
    For the last billion years, Lindsay Lohan has been the fucked up Hollywood "it girl," the one everybody was worried about. Celebrity blogs kept a party watch of her, tracking how often she went out, especially after she checked in and out of rehab.
    After quitting rehab, I bet you my firstborn that Lindsay Lohan paid somebody to keep Britney Spears wacked out of her face Howard K. Stern style. Why? To take attention off Linday's failed attempt to stop drinking and doing drugs. Let Britney do it and steal all the negative publicity! Of course!
    If only I could get into a similar agreement with either of them. I'm going in to my boring-ass job and I could really use some methadone.
    "But hey," you say, "Britney was fucked up a long, long time ago. Remember Chaotic, her reality show with Fed-Ex?"
    "You're right," I'd reply, "I do remember Chaotic. In fact, getting ripped and watching Chaotic was some very good times. And please, don't call him 'FedEx,' that's just retarded."
    However, a woman with private jets and tons of drugs is wildly different than a woman with private jets, tons of drugs and two babies.
    Chin up, Britney. Your hair will grow back and your children will be taken away from you and you can start all over again. LIke it never happened at all. Maybe this time, try a woman. They don't impregnate you all the time and I hear you're into lesbians. Maybe you and Lindsay can reconcile, if you know what I mean.