Like many college kids around the globe, when I have a few cold brews in me, I want nothing more than to have sex… I mean eat. Problem is, I seem to always want something that needs to be cooked, and in my intoxicated state, the microwave becomes a very bad statistics problem. After numerous overcooked left over burritos and under cooked coffee to sober me up, I have come up with the perfect, fail-proof microwave.


The Essential Buttons:

If you own a microwave made after 1986, you will notice buttons for vegetables, popcorn, and even frozen foods. I have tried many a time to use these buttons in my drunken stupor only to come up with rubbery pizza or inedible easy mac. Therefore, I have modified the buttons to the college kids needs:


Easy Mac 

Though many of us have memorized the steps to making easy mac, when not in the normal state, easy mac becomes Stouffers mac and cheese, utterly delicious, but very hard to make. Thank God for the easy mac button, which already has the preset time to the perfect easy mac.


Things that should not be put in here

 This button has the perfect time set for melting your metro sexual roommate’s hair products.


Buffalo wings

Hey, they may be left over from the game on Sunday, but I still have no clue how to cook them to perfect temperature (aka killing off that weird thing growing on the side of the half-eaten wing) without the buffalo wing button.



Applebee’s was great, but I didn’t spend 8 bucks for just one meal, and how good would it be drunk? This button recreates the great taste of upper-class fast food. Oh and if you are lucky, your mom’s meatloaf.



 The queen of college food should have at least two buttons, but we are pressed for room here. You can never go wrong with a Ramen button, especially when you should be going no where near the stove.



If Ramen is the queen, pizza is the king, whipping it’s ass into shape every Friday night.  Somehow I always find an extra slice of pizza in my fridge, and when I am drunk, it’s like finding the Holy Grail. Cold pizza is amazing, but when you need it hot, this button is willing and eager.



 Because sometimes you need to sober up… or well, dare I even say it, study.



 This button is for all those things that you have no clue what they are, but damn they sure look delicious.


1-9 buttons:

I suggest you do not touch these when you are drunk, but if you do, leave it under 10 minutes. They are only practical for when you know what you are doing, aka you invited that sorority girl over to make you dinner on a Wednesday night. Damn, she sure knows how to cook, and swallow.


Stop and go:

Regular microwaves can get complicated with time, start, preset, timer buttons. Who needs those? The problematic makes it easy, you just press in the time and go, or in a rare occasion, stop.



 This button comes in handy when those hair products catch on fire, or those Buffalo wings decide that they were a little to hot to handle four days after. Just press this button and water will disperse, saving your microwave, and possibly your life.