Hi, would you mind pressing "PH" for us? "PH" for penthouse floor, yes. We'd do it ourselves if we weren't busy talking about our favorite French brunch spot and fiddling with each other's perfectly proportioned fingers. When we get upstairs to our sprawling abode, we'll spend some time soaking in the tub together. The master tub, yes. We're so in love and good-looking and you're in sweatpants, listening to Enya on an iPod. We don't have to listen to Enya MP3s. Our life soundtrack is a constant Enya/Hall and Oates/Snoop Dogg mix. It just plays. Think about that. You can look at us. We've got nothing to hide. Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, we're both Harvard graduate, doctors and when we say, "it's not about the money", we really mean it. Now we're going to compare the size of our hands.
"Piper, no! Stay, Piper! Stay!" Sorry I keep yelling at my dog in this very small, confined space. It's just he won't stop barking, and it's so hard to keep him from jumping all over you and being really scary. What breed? He's a Great Dane. Yeah, I know I'm only 5' 1", 98 lbs. and he's seven times my size, but having a big dog is fun and silly because I'm so tiny, you know? Plus, he's cute. Right? Like in a big, cuddly, slobbery, demonic sort of way? You can totally pet him, sure. He's the friendliest. "Piper, no! Bad dog!" Oh my God. Are you alright? That never happens. He's not usually one of those bitey dogs, I swear. Are you alright? He has all his shots. I promise promise promise. "Piper, no!"
"Just because she went to my high school doesn't mean I'm inviting her to my birthday party. Because!" Yeah, I'm on the phone and, yeah, it might be loud, but it's important. It can't wait, no. I need to have this conversation about Jennifer Gramatokopolous right now, in this full elevator. "Do you know she told everyone she was a model and really wasn't?! Wait, hold on." I need to squeeze past you to press my button. Wait, this elevator is going up? What?! I need to go down. Ugh!! "Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?! Hello?! Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?"
Our uncontrollable laughter has nothing to do with you. Unless it has everything to do with you. I mean, we are looking directly at you when we laugh. But, then we look away whenever you look at us. It's almost like we don't want you to feel bad because we're slightly younger than you, and probably a lot cooler, and there's no one else in here with us. But, we just can't stop laughing no matter how many times we pretend to look at our phones, and, to be honest, it probably does have a lot to do with you. How long has it been since you got laid? We both think seven months.
Don't call me "sir". Don't ask me which floor I want. Don't, I said! I want to look through my catalogs and steep in my mothball stank. I might nod at you later, if you're quiet and don't look at me too much. But, don't be too eager with that "have a good day, sir" bullshit when I get off. I was in Korea. Not in the war, no. But, I've been to Korea, and not that long after the war ended, so have some damned respect. That's none of your business! Oh, I thought I heard you say something. Well, I'm not sorry. Misunderstandings happen. Especially in Korea. I should know.
What if this was the beginning for us? A steamy affair conceived right here, between the sixth and seventh floors? Do you find me attractive? I thought you did. This is like a movie us standing here, at opposite ends of this little steel love-box. Well, are you going to make a move? Ask me for my number. It's okay. Come on. It's alright. What are you doing? Why won't you make eye contact with me all of a sudden? Why do you keep staring at the ceiling? Wow. Faking a cell phone call. I know it's fake, you know? I also see you sneaking peeks at me when I turn away. Peripheral vision. Ever hear of it? This is weird. I'm going to get off and take the stairs the rest of the way. There's something seriously wrong with you. Creep.
Stand back. I'm going to take a swig out of my water bottle and flare my arms really wide when I do. God. What a workout today. Good thing I wore this Superman cut-off tee because it's so hot in the big, sweaty gym I go to. Haha, my iPod armband is like popping off. My arms are so swollen from lifting heavy weights. Watch me adjust the strap. I think I'm going to bob my head back and forth a little. Can you hear this rap music? I'm an OAR fan when I'm not working out, but I need pump-up music when I'm in the gym. Look at how my jaw is clenched. I could totally be in an Under Armour commercial. Are you sick or something, bro? You're really thin.
Listen to me sing Sweet Caroline. It's the last song I heard before I blacked out at the bar I just left. Smell that? That's urine, vomit, and Pabst. I think I also may've spilled some Jagermeister on my orange paper writstband. Aren't me and my friends hilarious? Are you getting these jokes? We're screaming them, so they're certainly loud enough for you to hear. I said, "Britney's a whore!". Come on! That's gold! That's a joke made of solid gold. Did you are you getting any of this? Oh, now Joey's saying he might pee right here in the elevator. Hahaha, that'd be so ridiculous. He'd do it too. Has before. What? No there's not. What?! Why is there glitter on my forehead?! This night was insane. Hold on, I'm going to call my ex-girlfriend in front of you. I'm going to yell mean things at her and hang up. She sucks.