#1 The Local Legend
No one outside of your local market has ever heard this guy's name, but thanks to a big play he made in the 1974 playoffs, he's got a job for life providing color commentary and analysis for the home team. Which is too bad. You'd happily trade that old-timey title for someone with competence in the booth.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: "You know, this reminds me a lot of 1974 when I helped make history. Except not as special."
Job If He Wasn't Doing This: Appearing at every memorabilia show in the tri-state area.