Okay, so here's how things are going to go down from now on (at least for a while): Every week there are three shows. On Tuesday night the boys sing, on Wednesday night the girls sing, and then on Thursday night they announce which two boys and two girls are going home. This will go on for three weeks until the Final 24 have been reduced to the Top 12. During this time, I feel that I have to comment about everyone, but that will take forever, since there are 12 performances each night. For the sake of brevity, I'm just going to transpose my notes about each performance, with quotes from the judges, and hopefully that won't take up too much space or time. Because for serious, this show is really fucking long. [Quick note: Ryan looks older than usual tonight, and Paula (due to an unfortunate dye job) looks crazier than usual. But enough about them. The American people are the ones who matter now. Oh, also, sometimes I may or may not have made up the titles of the songs based on the lyrics in the chorus. Whatever.]1. Rudy Cardenas, 28, Venezuela "Free Ride"Me: Bad diction, nice bulls eye shirt. I'm tired of him already.Randy: Really corny, dog. Just keepin' it real.Paula: You started [the show] off fantastic.Simon: I've never heard you do anything which is unique. (Paula tries to argue) We don't want to hear from you, Paula.2. Brandon Rogers, 29, California "Rock With You"Me: Man, he's cute. Mmm mmm. And he's eye-fucking the shit out of the camera. This song is stupid.Randy: A little pitchy. It's cool just to sing the melody.Paula: You're great, and we remember you from your previous auditions. (This comment makes me think that Paula does not remember him at all.)Simon: Predictable song. You've got to make an impact. You're better than that.3. Sundance Head, 28, Texas "Nights in White Satin"Me: Sundance is so fat and sweaty. Eww and he's off key. He sounds nervous. And he's short. I hate him.Randy: Oh, so yo, dog. I think it was pitchy like all the way through.Paula: I think you picked the wrong song.Simon: You've gone right off since we first saw you. Tonight you were like dad at a wedding. Very uninspiring. I don't like you tonight. (Paula to Simon: I don't like you ever.)4. Paul Kim, 25, California "Never Gonna Dance Again" Me: Get over your barefoot bullshit, loser. He's so quiet and breathy. Ew and an awful high part of the song
what a stupid song. I wonder what it's actually called.Randy: I don't know if I love this song on you. I still like your potential. Paula: You kind of over sang the song and you kind of didn't find your center.Simon: I would suggest you put your shoes on next week. It's a singing competition. Ryan: (who has taken off his shoes as well) I just gotta represent. And I just got a pedicure, so I wanted to show it off.Me: Oh, Seacrest
5. Chris Richardson, 22, Virginia "I Don't Want To Be"Me: Nice forehead acne, Justin TimberFAKE. Oh God I hate this song. Wow, he really sounds like Justin though. And dances like him too. Awful last note! Gah! Okay, he is cute though.Randy: I feel like this show just started right here. Do your thing, baby.Paula: I thought you did a great arrangement; a lot of fun. Way to go.Simon: I thought your voice sounded very small in that song, although I like you. I think the girls are gonna vote for you. You're a good looking guy.6. Nick Pedro, 25, Massachusetts "Now and Forever"Me: Nice accent. Seriously, though, sexy voice. Okay I want to bone somebody. NOW. I love him.Randy: I don't know, dog. It was really boring, man. I feel like I lost Nick.Paula: The magic kind of fell flat.Simon: I didn't think it was that bad, actually. We miss liveliness and confidence. I think you'll definitely be back next week.Nick: Vote for Pedro!Ryan: Haha.7. Blake Lewis, 25, Washington "Sympathy"Me: I LOVE YOU, BLAKE!!! Really. I love him.Randy: I kinda dug it, man. You did a good job. I liked it, man.Paula: I'm really proud of you. I love your falsetto.Simon: Not the best vocal I've ever heard in my life, but you're the first person who's come out tonight and sounded like they were in 2007. By far, the best tonight.8. Sanjaya Malakar, 17 "Somethin' Bout Your Love"Me: Kind of weak, but his voice has a beautiful tone. And he has nice teeth! He's cute.Randy: You try and tackle a Stevie song? It wasn't even remotely close. I'm sorry, it was bad.Paula: You are a sweet soul and there's an easiness about you.Simon: The irony was the verse used most was "I don't want to bore you with this." This was, without question, the most dreary performance we've heard this night. It was dull.9. Chris Sligh, 28, South Carolina "Typical"Me: Oh God. Marry me, Chris Sligh. Wow. He sounds like Sting + Phil Collins + God himself. Randy: You were ahead of the beat. I am a Chris fan, I loved it, I like you, I think you're the bomb, baby!Paula: You're anything but typical.Simon: I kind of felt like I was at some weird student gig.(Then followed some weird, uncomfortable thing during which Ryan tried to start shit with Simon and Chris mentioned Teletubbies. I don't know what was going on.)10. Jared Cotter, 25, New York "Back At One"Me: Wow. I haven't heard this song in forever. Wow. Everybody loves a song with a list in the lyrics. He and TimberFAKE should do "Dick in a Box." Also he's not that good.Randy: I didn't like the way it ended, but you know, it was pretty good.Paula: You remind us of a younger Brian McKnight.Simon: It was a very unadventurous performance. I thought you sounded a bit nasally. You look good
11. A.J. Tabaldo, 22, California "All My Love"Me: Nice popped collar and gay dancing. He's not that good at singing.Randy: It was pretty good. You definitely can blow.Paula: You can definitely sing. I thought you did a great job.Simon: It was good, nothing great, nothing terrible, very predictable. Maybe you're better than I originally thought.12. Phil Stacey, 29, Florida "I Could Not Ask For More"Me: He has that "always-high-Jim-Breuer" look going on. He also looks like he has cancer. God he SUCKS AT SINGING. He's boring. Okay, maybe not. The chorus is good. The beginning was lame, though. And he still looks like he has cancer.Randy: Phil, from the Dog, you get the best vocal props of the night.Paula: Man, you just opened up and you were right on pitch. It was great.Simon: The beginning was monstrous. I don't think you nailed it. I think it was okay.Then at the end, Ryan tried to vilify Simon, as usual, which really pisses me off for several reasons which I won't go into right now. Simon responded to Seacrest's sophomoric antics with, "I'm not gonna lie to people. You can do that to people on your radio show, Ryan." Simon is the man now, dog. More tomorrow. I'm going to need some Ritalin to get through it all. God, this show is so long.