I

King Solomon: Hmmm…Then we shall cut this baby in half!

Both Mothers: What? No!

King Solomon: Aha! Clearly you are the real mother!

Both Mothers: Both of us?

King Solomon: Wait, no. Whichever one of you was against cutting the baby up. You're the real mother.

Mother 1: No, that was just…that was a bad idea. It's not like we were unsure of fractions. No one is advocating cut babies.

Guard Yeah. I didn't like it either. Am I the real mother then?

King Solomon: I guess. So, what am I slicing here now, baby-thirds? I can do that.

Mother 2: I think you're missing the point-

King Solomon: Silence wench!

II

Daughter of Pharaoh: Oh, a baby in a basket of reeds. I shall raise him as my own and name him…Moses!

Friend: Man, I sure hope this baby doesn't ruin our nation.

Daughter of Pharaoh: What?

Friend: Like, I don't want this baby to grow up to be some sort of evil warlock who brings plague after plague on our country. I mean, that would be the worst.

Daughter of Pharaoh: Yeah, That would suck. Ha. The moral of that story would be "Hey, don't save babies."

Friend: But no, I'm sure Moses will be a hero to the Egyptian people. It's only fair Karmatically speaking.

Daughter of Pharaoh: Yeah. I mean, seriously? After saving his life and raising him like royalty? There's no way he would turn on us.

Friend: Good point. I mean, he'd have to be the biggest asshole in history to do something like that.

III

Joseph: So he's the son of God, right? Which is, uh, how you got pregnant as a vir-

Mary: Yup! It's a wonderful blessing, and you should just take my word for it.

Joseph: Is that also why he looks like your friend Raul?

Mary: Miracles!

IV

Messenger: Sir! The enemy is at our gates!

King Solomon: Don't worry. Quickly! Cut all our babies in half!

Messenger: What? No!

King Solomon: Aha! Clearly you are the real mother.

Messenger: Why…why are you even king?

King Solomon: …As it turns out most voters really, really hate babies.