Whichever ad exec wrote "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is more than welcome to help me dislodge this peanut butter cup from my ear.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
My inferiority complex is not as good as everybody else's.
-Ryan Purtill @RyanPurtill
I'm not racyclist, but I think bikes should have their own lanes.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
If the guy's pants are on fire, give him a fucking break about being a liar liar for a second.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
My prison inmates got mad at me for dropping the brand new soap. They really tore me a new one.
-Daniel Kim
I don't like to mix business with pleasure. That's why I never bring my laptop to work.
-John Baglio
If clowns are comedians for children, does that technically make them statutory japists?
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy