People often tell me that I have a fantastically sculpted ass. Obviously, by "people" I mean myself and by "often" I mean this morning when I was staring at my naked butt in front of the mirror, as I so frequently do. I really don't have an ass. I mean, it's not even flat; one might go so far as to call it concave, much like Nicole Richie's chest. The only thing holding up my pants are my wide, child-bearing hips and thighs so muscular and divine, you could crack a walnut between them.

So when I went to the gym today, I decided I was going to do something about it. Did you know that there are exercises you can do to make your butt bigger? There's also ones you can do to make your boobs smaller. And those do not, oddly enough, involve lying on the ground and having your little brother jump on your back in an attempt to squash them down. Seriously, who would be stupid enough to try that. . .anyway, I digress.

At the gym I did these lunges that strengthen your legs and amp up your derriere. Cut to post-workout. . .I can barely walk. Seriously, I'm so sore I feel like I just performed position #63 in the Kama Sutra: Flying Mongoose. It's going to be well worth it in the long run, though, when I finally fulfill my lifelong dream of being able to sit a cup on my booty.