ZQMNFMGV8XERThat's right, our classically trained community theater group have finally embraced that new fangled three dimensional craze in our latest production, the stage adaptation of Jaws 2.

Now the theatrical arts, long thought of, along with the literary arts, as entertainment's great curmudgeons of technological advancement, can finally move beyond such a constraining reputation.

What's more is our actors' and shark's performances will be real-time streamed to the theater audience in 3D.

With a fraction of the production budget, we will be able to out-imagine what even James Cameron's three-dimensional monstrosity, Avatar, was able to achieve.

We've worked with top technologists and visual engineers to stretch the limits of what was previously thought possible in the realm of 3 dimensional entertainment.

Our 3D stageplay will not only feature the most immersive visual experience ever delivered to an audience, but will also overwhelm viewers with patent-pending 3D sound, 3D smell and even three dimensional sensations. Effectively turning mere 'theatergoers' into adrenaline fueled 'theater participants.'

Given the nature of our source material, some may even turn into 'theater victims.' A trivial casualty for us to pay in the name of pushing the arts forward. It's the mission of any performing artist to deliver an imitation of life so real that the audience is confronted with issues of mortality. In this case, their actual mortality.

In 3D.

Our storytelling won't feature the ketchup packets of corn syrup concoctions of Hitchcock's imagining, but we will use the three dimensional blood of our audience as our artistic vision sees fit.

To start the show, and introduce people to our new brand of 3D, we like to have a little fun with the audience. Loosen them up. So each performance we dump 350, fully rendered 3D lobsters onto their laps from the catwalks above the stage. It really sets the tone for the show, and gives the feeling that 'anything is possible' with this new style of 3D presentation. It puts the audience on the edge of their chairs from the moment the curtain goes up and our live (three dimensional) orchestra starts playing the title theme.

Da dum.

Da dum.

Da dum. Da dum. Da dum!!!

Some audience members can't handle it of course. You always get a few hapless souls who are incapable of appreciating great art while they are experiencing it, who can't deal with 3D. They complain of dizziness, or of being 'bitten' by a lobster and walk out.

Firstly, misguided theater patron, lobsters don't bite, they pinch. And secondly, Welcome to 2011 entertainment seeker! The whole world is in 3D now! And so is this stage play adaptation of Jaws 2!

Why at the start of the second act, we really enter uncharted 3D waters as a 12-foot, living, breathing, man-eating great white shark is catapulted above our audience out of its salt water holding basin beneath the theaters floor on a system of weights and levers, giving them a tangible, visceral, and fully 3D encounter with one of the ocean's most notorious villains.

Side note to Steven Spielberg I'm sure the hydraulic shark dummy you rigged for the original Jaws 2 was a technological marvel for its time. But the impact of the original shark is nothing compared to what we create every Tuesday night on the center stage of the taxpayer funded St. Francis Community Center. Ours is a triumph of sheer will realized in all three known dimensions.

Thank you Mr. Spielberg for inspiring us with your simple story of a shark wreaking havoc on the open seas. It was very good, well good, just not great. And certainly not 3D. Please don't sue us though. Just kidding. Sue us, but only if you are the one who actually approaches us and files the complaint and not some lawyer from your production company. We'd love to get some face time with you, any way we can get it. Even if it's meeting you in a court of law.

And if you do sue, please don't do it in the spirit of jealousy because we took something you thought of and made it far better. By making it way more 3D.

Alright, I better go supervise the end sequence. The shark keeps eating its co-star.

Gotta dial down the 3D on that part…