THORReally? Thor? You're doing this at freaking Thor?

Seriously. Thor will be the last movie we see together as a couple. Forever. And that's fine with you? Your actions have permanently burned the image of this cut-rate, Norwegian He-Man into my psyche. So, thanks for that.

You could have said something before the movie. I mean, I should have seen the signs. You didn't hold my hand. You barely glanced at me through the whole thing. And you were sending a LOT of texts. Like, a lot. Plus you kind of moaned when he took his shirt off. It was pretty loud. I mean yeah, I get it, but still, I was RIGHT there.

But no, you made me wait through that whole stupid ice elf thing, the boring part where he has no powers, the loud, flashy, seizure-inducing conclusion, and the even the stupid random Avengers promo after the credits. You let us get all the way outside the theater before you told me that you weren't happy.

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY, WE JUST SAW THOR!

BRIDESMAIDSI thought about getting married, once. Back when I believed in love.

I was stupid back then. Stupid like the stupid girls in this stupid movie. Stupid for caring, for having feeling. Stupid enough to think anyone else cared about me.

My favorite part of this movie was when bad things happened to people, because that's how life is.

Apparently there was a dress-fitting scene that was pretty funny, but I was outside during that because I thought maybe I missed your call. You didn't call, did you? I mean, I was pretty upset by everything you said after Thor, but I think if you wanted to talk about it, I'd be open to that.

And just so you know, I watched this movie wearing flip-flops, rip-away warm-up pants and a sweat shirt with soup stains on it. And I was doing whip-its during the montages. That's how little respect I have for marraige, romance, and all this lovey-dovey BS.

If you'd like to do whip-its with me later, I have a few left.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDESI found this film to be a well-plotted if somewhat tepid exploration of the buccaneer genre. Though the characters were underdeveloped, the second act moved along nicely, bringing the plot to a tidy, albeit contrived conclusion. At times, Johnny Depp's performance seemed to lack the accustomed swagger of the earlier films, but supporting turns from some new faces served to heighten the experience.

On an unrelated note, I feel like I've done a lot of growing-up since our little fling. I may have some time available this week if you'd like to catch up over coffee. It would be good to see you.

MR. POPPER'S PENGUINSTell me, is it difficult to get through narrow doors with your legs spread that wide, you trashy, trashy ho?

I saw the pictures of you at Marco's party. You untagged them as fast as you could, but I was RIGHT THERE when they went up and I SAW IT ALL. You, at the party, being all giggly, acting dumb. GOD I hate it when you get like that. And him, flexing unnecessarily, playing keep-away with your red plastic cup. And the tickle-fight. I was just SO OBVIOUS.

Good choice by the way, that guy seems like a real winner. I bet he'll take you to all kinds of cool monster truck rallies and stuff. Cockfights. I mean, I would have taken you to this awesome Jim Carry movie last weekend, but whatever. It was really great though. Those penguins. So zany. You missed out.

I hope you get HPV.

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOONI heard this movie had robots in it.

I also heard that Marco has a gambling problem. I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but I just don't want to see you get hurt. I saw some of his old tweets about "hittin up the casino on the resavation (sic)" and I wanted to bring them to your attention.

I just remember everything you went through with your grandfather. See how well I know you? I know you so well. I don't want you to have to face all that again.

If you need to talk, just as friends, about anything, I want you to know, I'm here for you.A relationship should be built on trust before it can "transform" into anything else.Heh. Nice.

ZOOKEEPERI made out with your roommate. What's up now?

Not recently. Back in '09. That girl Carly who you lived with over on the West side. We frenched for like eight minutes during that Memorial Day party when you were out of town. I told you we didn't, but we totally did. Just think about that. That's how much you meant to me. I mean, she wasn't even that hot.

Blah, blah, monkeys, whatever.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS PART 2Years from now, when my kids ask me where I was when the greatest fantasy franchise in movie history came to its triumphant conclusion, I'll be proud to look them straight in the eye and say, "not with my whore of an ex-girlfriend."

There was a time when I never would have dreamed of going to this groundbreaking event without you. Times when we would lay awake casting spells on each other, pretending we were drinking butterbeer when it was Natty Ice. I called you Luna and you called me Neville.

But as I watched this epic conclusion, I was GLAD you weren't there. With your idiotic questions about the "rules" of magic. With your constant speculating about why Hermione would want to be with Ron when she's so much more attractive then he is.

There is more to love then looks, you loose hussy. And Ron Weasley is THE MAN.

COWBOYS AND ALIENSI just want to feel something again.

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVEImagine my horror when I realized that this movie was not a factual documentary as I had hoped, but instead an ironic title for a movie that secretly supports concepts like "true love," "love at first sight," and "soul mates."

I did, however, appreciate the sentiment that no matter how sweet and good and Steve Carel-like you are to a woman, when all is said and done, she will leave you for Kevin Bacon.

The movie did hold up through my frequent trips to go cry in the bathroom. My main criticism is that if I made this movie, the title would have included other adjectives like "pointless," "hateful," and "not-real."

Also, the plot would have had a lot more to do with Marco getting eaten by fire ants.

THE SMURFSSmurf you.