Intros are for jerks, so let's get down to business:  who's #1 in NCAA hoops?

Amir:  Nobody really knows, and the best part about it: it really doesn't matter. This isn't college football. There can, and will be, four number ones. Then a month later, we'll know the exact answer: George Mason. They really thought of everything!

Ethan: You call that an answer?  Tim Hardaway's given more coherent and complete responses to questions in the last week.

Amir: Well, I can tell you who it's not: Wisconsin.

Ethan: Sorry, I don't read the AP Poll.

Amir: I love how ESPN is playing up the fact that they had them at #2 in their poll. "NUMBER TWO falters!" "The SECOND BEST team in the nation lost today." It's the largest sports network in the world and they make no reference to the fact that the Badgers were #1 in the AP poll. To them, there is only one newspaper in the world: USA Today.

Ethan: It's what America reads, after all.  I'm not all that sold on Wisconsin, either.  I like Tucker, but the few times I've seen them play, they don't have that scary dominant feel that most champs do.

Amir: They're kinda like their football team. Just good enough to stick around.
Ethan: It feels too much like the Alando Show to go all that far.  I think it's hard to pick against Florida.  They've got experience, don't have a glaring weakness, are well-coached, and opposing players turn to stone just from looking at Joakim Noah.  So, who do you actually like?

Amir: I would say Florida too. Experience is such a funny term though in college basketball. In a sport where the greatest players stick around for only one whole season, when you can get a starting five that actually has a few juniors/seniors on it, you're an experienced team. "Wow! He's been here for four years!? What was 2003 like, Grandpa!?"

Ethan: "Do you remember Chris Paul!?"

Amir: "Was UConn ever good at basketball!?"

Ethan: I think that's why everyone's so impressed by this year's freshman.  Of course they look like "the best class ever;" we haven't seen good freshmen in ten years because they've been NBA-bound.  Speaking of which, how much do you think Kevin Durant wishes he could have been at All-Star weekend using a fake i.d. to gamble and trying to hit the layup in the skills competition?

Amir: You think anybody would dare ID Greg Oden? What I learned about Vegas All Star Weekend is that the more exciting it is for the players, the less exciting it is for us, the fans.

Ethan:  The only thing all non-Gilbert-Arenas thing that impressed me all weekend was Dwight Howard's sticker dunk, but since he's pretty religious, I guess he wasn't enjoying as much of the Vegas lifestyle.

Amir: "Roulette is a game of chance. If you need me I'll be watching the Blue Man Group. On pay-per-vision, though. Live shows are the devils plaything"

Ethan: Seriously, how great was that sticker dunk?  How did he get jobbed by the judges like that?  The only other good one was Gerald Green jumping over Nate Robinson; even Green's winning dunk over the table was kind of boring. 

Amir: I like how he had on a Dee Brown jersey. Everybody was like "Who's Dee Brown? Oh right. I kinda remember him."

Ethan: And don't even get me started on the D-League All-Star Game.  Luke Schenscher's got game.  It was also the only "All-Star" game ever in which the players were paid with day-old Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

Wow. Is there really a D-League All Star game? Does the MVP get a trophy and a 10-day-contract?

Ethan: They get a trophy, but technically it's just a piece of trash David Stern found before the game and writes "Trophy.  Yes, really." on.  I believe this year it was an empty coffee cup.  But, to be fair, it was from Starbucks and it was a venti, so, you know, classy.

Amir:  Unbelievable. Winning the MVP of the NBDL all star game has got to be the definition of a catch 22. Or an oxymoron. I forget.

Did you think Kobe came out gunning for the MVP of the big game?  Who even cares about All-Star game MVP

Amir:  For those of you as curious as I am, let me save you the effort: The MVP of the D-League all star game was Pops Mensah-Bonsu. And speaking of the Pops Mensah-Bonsu of baseball, I hear Barry Bonds is back in the public light!

He hit a home run on his sixth swing in his first spring training batting practice.  Purists are demanding that an asterisk be placed next to this record, and I'm with them.  To me, the real record will always been Junior Griffey doing it on his eighth swing.  Do you think the sports media could poll everyone and see if we cared about the Bonds/steroids story?  Then, when we all voted no, would they just be quiet?

Amir:  This is by far the most boring story since Barbaro. What ever happened to that horse?

Ethan: I told you. He moved to a farm upstate.

Amir: I used to think the worst job in America is the guy who cleans poop out of water reservoirs. Now I'm convinced the worst job in America is Pedro Gomez'. What did he do in journalism school that caused somebody to banish him to forever cover Bonds?

Ethan:  You know it's bad when Gomez is saying to himself, "I bet this place was more fun when Jeff Kent were still here…"  Do Giants fans even care about the Bonds story?  Or are they more concerned that the average age of their team is 49 years, six months?  I'd really rather have Barbaro brought barely back to life for the sole purpose of extended media coverage.  So, I'm thinking of starting a band; do you think Tom Brady's Bastard Son will be a good name for it?

Amir: My vote is still for "Tim Hardagay."

Ethan: I told you! Chris Mullin already used that for his bluegrass band.  Got an interesting fact?

Amir: This one is really good. Though some people know it already, so if you do, I apologize. Gerald Green (winner of the dunk contest this year) has no ring finger on his shooting hand! It just stops at the first knuckle! How can you do that and still play basketball?

Ethan: I guess he's on the right team then, because Boston isn't winning a ring until at least 2018. And by then they'll have transplants down to a 60 minute procedure.

Amir: You know Harold Miner is off somewhere, thinking of cutting off his finger as he reads this; if only he could afford some scissors. 

Ethan:  Until next week, get excited for Tommy Morrison's return to the ring!

An HIV-positive boxer? What can go wrong!?

For more sports comedy, check out!