Not that you care, really. You had some episodes of Louie to catch up on anyway and you really can't put that off much longer. See, you know your friends were just being considerate of your other commitments! They will totally invite you next time!

Some people think it's embarrassing enough just having to wear a bathing suit in a public place, but to take that one step further after an epic canon-ball and have the bathing suit come off is something altogether worse. You wanted to be remembered for how huge that splash was, not how your junk is shaped exactly like Louisiana. Are bathing suit suspenders a thing?

What the hell?! These pants totally fit you last summer! This is so lame! The threading must be faulty or something. Does anyone have a sweater for you to borrow? Yeah, just tie that around your waist and no one will know the difference. You'll just have to bear the shame of wearing a sweater around your waist.

Toilets are just the worst. No one really wants to talk about them ever, much less when you innocently used your friend's facilities and it somehow ended up overflowing. Even if you did have the biggest iced tea before going in there, it is pretty impossible to be blamed for that. But you will be.

Listen, if they haven't updated their Facebook status with the blessed news, DO NOT CONGRATULATE THEM. And if you don't know the person well enough to be Facebook friends, why are you even talking to them about their reproductive abilities? She is glowing because she just ate an entire pint of ice cream and you should just leave her the hell alone.