My girlfriend uses her farts to keep me out of the bathroom while she does her hair and make up.
My girlfriend pronounces pronunciation as "pronounciation." I've never corrected her because I like the irony of it.
One day I was with a friend driving to pick up a broken computer so I could fix it when my gf called me, we talked like usual and I started to annoy her playfully when she stated "Oh don't you start Andrew, I'll kill you!" where I just had to ask, "Oh? How would you kill me" to which she replied without skipping a beat, "Oh probably with a machete"
My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for three years. Because I knew the end was coming soon, I started to care less and less what he thought in bed. One day while he was going down on me (something he was not good at) I asked him if he even knew where my clitoris was. He said "I thought the whole thing was the clitoris." He was 26. No wonder it ended.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I attended my ten year high school reunion. Her reasoning, a girl I dated in high school posted on my facebook wall that it was nice to see me after so long. Apparently that means I cheated on her.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because she was "falling in love" with me.
I used to tell my ex that I was going to hang out with some buddies, but really I was goin to the movies alone. Just to get away from her.
The very first thing my girlfriend does in the morning after we spend the night together is pull the covers back, look at my crotch, rub my penis, and say "Good morning!!!"
When me and my boyfriend curl up on his bed, he will sensually breathe in my ear and then in his best Voldemort voice say, "Harry Potter, -inhale- Why didn't you invite me to your party?" And this has become a regular thing.
After a steamy make out session, I asked my boyfriend why he was flaccid
. He had gas
Before my girlfriend will fool around with me, she has to turn every picture in her room around, "so her family won't see her sinning."
I was dating a guy and he came over to my place to hang out. He was thirsty, so I gave him a Chargers (beer) mug with water. He stopped and asked me what sport that team plays. Needless to say, there were no more dates.
One time on Halloween I introduced myself to my ex-girlfriend.