1) "Can't make it in today – there's a new Marmaduke in the paper!!"

2) "To be honest, I'm just not a big Wednesday guy."

3) "Did Jesus have to call in to the office when he was taking a sick day?"

4) "Let's just say that I have contracted a severely infectious sexually-transmitted disease that's currently wreaking havoc on every inch of my genitals, and leave it at that."

5) "Ugh, whenever I'm at the office, I get that old feeling like it's 1941 and I'm Hitler and I've accidentally wandered into a Nuremberg sex party wearing my niece's powder blue negligee again. You smell what I'm steppin' in, Mr. Blumenfeld?"

6) "Just having a little difficulty sorting out what's reality and what's dreamscape, that's all."

7) "Maybe I'll start coming in more often when you tards stop being so anal with your whole 'no Bang Bus at the office' bullshit."

8) "Today I must commence the reeducation of my Pomeranian-Beagle mix, 'Little Lord Fontleroy.'"

9) "My nu metal band has a gig in Southeast Hidalgo this afternoon."

10) "I need to make more time for the things that make me happy, and my roommate just bought a handle of McCormick's Vanilla and a copy of Bumfights 4: Return of the Ruckus."

11) "Why I gonna be crackulatin' on y'all hood bitches when shawty's milkshake right here in mah crib, son?"

12) "My head feels funny. And by my head, I mean my Johnson. And by my Johnson, I mean my abnormally small Johnson. Hey that reminds me, how small would you guess my Johnson is? No, come on, please guess? If you would just take a guess I'll come in today! Please?!"

13) "Why are you calling me? Didn't you see my Facebook status? I'm meditating!"

14) "Duh, I'll be at my dad's office. Is today not Take Your Child to Work Day, or what the fuck?"

15) "I know I said this last time too, but this time I really did only mean to send the sexts to the legal department, not the whole office."

16) "I still don't see why me cooking the fries from home today is going to pose such a big 'problem' for you."

17) "Don't you ever have those nights when you can't fall asleep and you just lie there staring at the clock, so you help yourself to just a little too much cocaine and Percocet, and suddenly you become convinced that you're the small, venom-spewing dinosaur from Jurassic Park, so you wander out into the park looking for small animals to eat and/or mate with, but in the process of chasing a squirrel up a large oak tree, you fall off the branch, land on your head and slip into unconsciousness, only to wake up the next morning in a strange church with your eyebrows shaved off and your hands smelling of lighter fluid? Anyway, I'll try to make it in after lunch."