Here are three universal truths about scarves: they make you look stupid, there is no good place to put them when you take them off, and you will lose the one you're about to buy before the end of the season. They are the sunglasses of cold weather. Yes, they serve a reasonable purpose, protecting your throat from inclement forces, but before you shell out the big bucks on your woolly gorget, remember that you already possess the means to shield your neck. They're called shoulders and a chin.

Romanticism and nostalgia are two things easier said than done, because the people wanting to put them into practice are the ones that find themselves at the counter of a coffee shop on a particularly brisk day feeling "adventurous." Everyone likes the IDEA of pumpkin flavoring simply because everyone likes the idea of fall: it's still kind of nice out, and chronic laziness can be attributed to a crazy summer or the fact thanksgiving's coming up. Within seconds of tasting your upwards-of-four-dollars seasonal indulgence, you'll realize that seizing the moment doesn't necessarily translate to seizing a promotional offer, and that they don't sell pumpkin-flavored stuff year round because it's gross and weird.

If you're going to put your health and, more importantly, breath at risk by smoking tobacco, you need to do it in style. Which is one of the many reasons why you need to put down that pipe. Yes, it does look cool sitting there on that shelf, but something happens when you pick it up and start trying to pack it that makes you look less General Douglas MacArthur before battle and more Charles Nelson Reilly after finding out Match Game was cancelled. If a trip to flavor country is absolutely necessary for you to function throughout the day, maybe try some nicotine gum—even Sherlock Holmes would look like a cow chewing its cud if they had that in their mouth.

Buying crappy candy may help you cut down on the amount of Halloween sweets your big fat mouth deprives pillowcase-toting youngsters of, but it certainly will not guarantee that you escape the holiday sugar binge free. Not only will all the neighborhood kids hate you, you'll hate yourself for breaking your diet over a handful of Rollos and eight bags of Werther's Originals. Buy good candy. If not for yourself, then for your house's paint finish.