*this statement was not confirmed by checking actual records

October 2011

4:42 P.M.

As I watched every politician, television pundit, and one time corporate stooge announce their intention to join the race for the White House, I started to consider making my own run for the presidency. Hey, I have a lot to offer and I think the campaign process could actually be fun. I like kissing babies and it seems like a waste to not make use of the chemically enhanced smile I wore 48 gooey plastic strips to obtain. And besides, I don't mind if Anne Coulter wants to call me a faggot.

So let's just get it over with…I'm running for president. There. I said it. No big announcement. No theme song. No big deal. Isn't that refreshing?

I've made a conscious decision to eschew the traditional path – graduating with honors, military service, temporary term as a small time politician. Those things simply aren't my style. I've also chosen to ignore the fact that I am still too young to run for the office according to the antiquated laws of this great nation of ours. But I figure, if we've learned anything from W.'s two election victories, it's that the laws of this country and presidential elections reside in realms so distant from one another that even President Obama could not straddle the two. (I'd like to point out that the previous sentence was my first dig against an opponent since officially declaring my presidency in the previous paragraph).

Where was I? My thoughts have started to wander… God almighty! Do I have to place top three in a primary before I can have a campaign staff to keep my thoughts straight?! I shouldn't have lost my cool like that. This would never happen to Mitt Romney. He's too smooth to let himself get rattled by wandering thoughts. But then again his thoughts don't wander and he's never at a loss for words. His words come straight from the mouth of God. I'll admit it. He's got me there. Acting as a conduit for God is not a feather I can put in my cap. (But if elected president, I would promise to wear a cap with at least one feather every day while I'm in office.) Now back to Mitt… and God. Do we really want God running this country? We threw him out a long time ago. And then W. brought him right back. He talked to God all the time, got advice, and quite frankly, if I can be honest, I think God has made a few bad decisions lately. He's like the Ben Affleck of the metaphysical world. We all think he's a great guy but everyone would be much happier if he'd just lay low for a while.

But I don't want to get caught up in mud-slinging and name calling. I'm above all that. And besides, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have been doing enough of that lately to keep everyone covered in mud while reciting children's rhymes about sticks and stones. Speaking of stones, who knew they could be racist?!

Wow. This campaign business isn't easy. There's so much to remember, where you stand on every issue, who you've already insulted, who still needs to be insulted. I'm tired and confused already. And I'm just getting started!

Forget it. I'm not going to run for president. It's too much work, too much travel, and costs too much money. Good luck to my fellow candidates. May your hotels have four stars, your private jets always be on time, and your haircuts cost more than the GNP of Romania.