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My roommate constantly leaves her food all over the place. So one day I came home to find that my dog had gotten Twizzlers she left out. They were all over the floor. I let my dog continue to lick all of them, put them back in the bag and put them away. The next day I came home to find her chomping down on them. How does my dog's breath taste?
Anonymous

One day after my roommate left I drove up to the corner store to get some stuff. I also picked up a pack of the clearest lifesavers I could find. It was pina colada. I took them home and crushed them up. Then I unscrewed his shower head, and filled it up about half way with the crushed candy, as to not clog it up. So then when he came home and took a nice hot shower to get ready before we headed out to the bars, the hot water began to dissolve the life savers. So basically he was taking a shower in sugar water. So he gets out and realizes he is sticky from head to toe. He gets back into the shower to wash it off. I hear him bitching about it down the hall and am struggling to not crack up. This goes on for about an hour till he asks to use my shower because he didn't know what the hell is wrong with his.
S.C.

When I was nineteen, I lived with a random girl for a semester. We had a tiny, three room cabin at the environmental center in the woods nine miles outside of town. At that point, I'd already been living there for twelve months and wasn't too thrilled about being stuck with a stranger, but we were in the same major, and I thought she might be cool. She probably would have been, but her much-older, unemployed, homeless drug-dealer boyfriend sure as hell wasn't. He showed up after the first week of classes and lived on our couch for a solid month. They were both filthy, never bought cleaning supplies or toilet paper, and ate stuff I cooked without asking. I pressed about a gallon of unpasteurized raw cider one day after school. That stuff is delicious, but it's filled with wild yeasts and bacteria, so if you're not used to drinking it, it'll go right through you and give you terrible diarrhea. I left the jug in the fridge and went to a friend's house for the rest of the night. It's too bad we were out of TP and hand soap again.
C.M.

So the other morning I caught my roommate taking a Walk of Shame from another dorm building on campus. Curious about what had taken place the night before, I asked what he had gotten into. What I got was an elaborate story about how he had taken part in a threesome with some girls from a different building. I asked for names, and by chance I happened to know the girls. I told my roomate that the one had a boyfriend. He nervously replied that she was in the bed but hadn't really taken part in it. Suspicious about his apparent sex-capades, I texted both the girls. They responded with two full texts of laughter, and told a more believeable story. Apparently my roomate couldn't take the hint that the girls didn't want him in their room, so they made a deal with him that they thought would scare him off. They told him if he took off all of his clothes and ran around the dorm building they'd let him stay in their room for the night. Ridiculous right? He did it. At first I thought they were messing with me. Of course that was before I saw the pictures. Seeing my roommate lifting his gut to show his genitalia hiding in a thick jungle was literally the funniest moment of my life. I still can't look him in the eyes.
Anonymous

Our roommate last year was awesome, everyone loved him, but I also loved to play pranks on him. After finding out how awesome the "remote" app on the ipod touch is and how I can just walk around and change my music in my room from anywhere in the house, I decided it might work well as a prank. I learned our roommates girlfriend threw up from laughing the first time she heard the song "Dominic the Donkey" (the Italian Christmas donkey). So I cut a snippet of it out to the part where they start singing, saved an mp3 of it, and hid it in his iTunes. When they went to hookup later, I waited until it was getting good and switched their song from "grind with me" to Dominic the Donkey. Once the song switched, the moans turned into laughter, and my roommate came running out in the hallway to throw his condom at me. Good times.
J Slater from CCSU



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