Babe / Vixen / Sexy Thing

You are a toy for my sexual gratification. I will pretend to care about you with enough effort that you'll stay around. You like it because even though it sexually objectifies you, you tell yourself I find you physically attractive and will most likely not leave you because of my raw animal lust for you.

"How are you babe?"


Honey / Darlin

You are a stand-in for my mother. It's weird and creepy deep down, but you like it because you tell yourself it means you're "sweet." I am a man-child and completely unable to care for myself, but lucky for you, that's what I think a girlfriend is for and you'll go for it because you're a nice person and plays to your nurturing instincts.

"Honey, can you make me a sandwich?"


Girlie / Baby Doll / Baby Girl

I have a weird father-figure fetish. It's cool though, since you probably have father abandonment issues and I help fulfill the role that he never did. Things can get a bit weird during sex, but it's all good since I'm into it too.

"Who's you're daddy, baby doll?"


Princess / Gorgeous

You think it means I consider you to be royalty, to be waited on hand and foot. In reality, it means I find you physically attractive enough to tolerate you having unrealistic expectations. I'll probably stick with you for a couple of months until I consider your shit too unbearable and just plain stop caring. Most likely I'll end up hooking up with your best-friend just to spite you.

"You look great princess."



You are a casual hookup, one of the six I'm seeing. Hell, I probably don't even remember your name, so I call every woman I'm hooking up with this. About the only piece or reliable information you have on me is my phone number, since you probably don't even know where I live and have never met any of my friends.

"Sup boo? What you up to tonight?"


Dear / Schnookums / Sweety / Baby-cakes / Weird non-word

I'm a moron and can't think of a good pet-name. I'm probably waiting on you hand and foot, and am too stupid to realize it. I could probably do better then you, but I'm too stupid to realize it. NEVER LET ME GO.

"Aww schnookums, I love you!"

What Your Petname Actually Means - Image 1

(Insert foreign word for woman, girl, girlfriend, or lover)

I'm at least moderately creative, and will pretend to be cultured even though I've never left the country and either don't speak the language or have a very basic understanding at best. I probably pretend to be cultured and smart, but a lot of what I say is based on what I see on The Daily Show, the Huffington Post, NPR, and articles.

"Besso novia! I'll see you at Chili's later."


(Insert scifi / anime / video-game reference)

I'm seriously lacking in social skills, and you are a stand in for my creepy fantasies. I probably spend more time playing video games, watching tv, and masturbating then I ever will with you. At first you find it endearing that I try to share my interests with you, but eventually you'll give up not wanting to journey down that dark abyss of nerdom. You'll tire of me, but very slowly over the course of 6+ months, until you realize that I'm completely undatable and have been a mistake from the beginning.

"Alyx Vance, have you seem my PS3 controller?"


(Insert reference to obscure song or webcomic)

I'm an indie hipster asshole. You think I'm an interesting arty type since I pretend to play the guitar or piano, do splatter paintings, take photos with cheap plastic cameras, and dress like a homeless person while drinking PBR and smoking American Spirits. In reality, I'm a sad and desperate attempt at relevancy in a globalized post-modernist world, and take security by behaving just like everyone else in my studio art department. Being with you helps me ignore the gaping hole of meaninglessness that is my existence.

"How you doing kittentits?"

amy pond

(Insert obscure cultural reference)

I actually care! You and I have bonded on a level no one else can understand and I will never leave you. You actually understand and appreciate my quirky sense of humor, and we share similar pop culture tastes. If we ever breakup, it'll only last for a week or two, since I'll quickly realize no one else can ever possibly come close to appreciating my record collection on the same level as you. It'll be a depressing realization, but it's a more solid foundation for a relationship then most have.

"Would you care to go on an adventure Mrs. Pond?"



I haven't known you long enough to think of something yet, or I don't feel like we connect. If you ever confront me about this, I'll make up a lame excuse try avoid the question while reassuring you that I love you. If we've only known each other for a few weeks, don't worry and don't bother me about it or else I'll leave you. If we've known each other for more then a couple of months and I still haven't thought of anything, I'm probably seeing someone else on the side…. like your sister or your best-friend, or your sister's best-friend.

"… oh, you're still here… yeah…."