Since the early 1800's, we have gone from horse-drawn carriages to walking on the moon; from dying of the flu to living into our 120's; from not understanding what air is to having the accumulated knowledge of mankind's entire history easily accessible on a device we carry in our pockets. Yet, still we wrap gifts the same way. All of its complicated folds and annoying habit of ripping at every corner have made wrapping paper a thorn in my side since I started using to cover up the shitty drawings I made to give to my parents. My family uses aluminum foil as an alternative, but that magical material has its own limitations. Making your Christmas look white trash, for instance. Can we not just have one scientist take one hour of his or her afternoon to come up with a better wrapping paper? -Streeter Seidell
"You'll shoot your eye out, kid." I wish. If you're going to play a Christmas-themed movie all day, why not make it "Home Alone" or "Home Alone 2"? I'd probably even settle for "Home Alone 3," just as long as it's not edited to include a frozen pole, bunny pajamas, soap, or anything else that I've feigned laughter at to try and justify sitting in front of the television all Christmas Day. People can push to keep "Christ" in Christmas all they want, but as long as "A Christmas Story" is on for 24 hours in a row, it's hard to believe a merciful god has anything to do with it. -Alex Watt
I usually look forward to the holidays as a time to relax and do absolutely nothing but watch TV, but every year, since I can remember, my mom immediately puts me to work around the house. She'll make me rake the leaves off the lawn, throw out beloved toys from my childhood, and one year even made me paint the house in the dead of winter. For some reason she thinks my coming home is synonymous with free labor. So much for a relaxing vacation. -Jeff Rosenberg
I've got nothing against Christmas lights. I think they're a perfectly acceptable way to flaunt both your personal beliefs and neglect for heightened energy bills, but I will never understand why people (especially moms) feel compelled to load their entire family into cars that definitely aren't family-sized just so that they can go "look at Christmas lights." Sure that one guy across town programmed his to blink to Silent Night, but that doesn't mean I want to drive there simply to look at it. That's what the Internet is for, that and torrenting Jingle All the Way for convenient, anytime viewing. -Caldwell Tanner
Usually I'm fine with commercials co-opting my favorite songs to sell crap to Americans. I even clapped along when Target channeled Sir Mix-A-Lot for it's back-to-school sale with, "I Like Back-packs and I Cannot Lie," even though it was forcing us to connect schoolchildren to ass-craving. Then Gap used a cover of one of my favorite bands' best songs, Supertramp's "Give A Little Bit," for their repulsively sentimental annual holiday ads. Suddenly a weird British prog-rock band I loved became synonymous with wholesome models dancing in front of a white void wearing fleece vests. Also, fleece vests! What's the point of wearing a insulating material if 30% of your body's top half is still uncovered? It's like an oven with a screen door.-Pat Cassels
Who decided that peppermint chocolate and pumpkin pie were holiday flavors? That's a load of horsefeathers! Those are great flavors. I should be able to enjoy them all year round. Pumpkin muffins shouldn't be a two-months-leading-up-to-Thanksgiving treat. Pecan pie shouldn't only show up after Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. It barely has any seasonal ingredients. It's basically congealed sugar butter. Congealed sugar butter pie should be an all-year round food. We need to rise up as a society and take back holiday foods. All foods should be whole-year foods. People shouldn't think I'm weird if I want to enjoy a frosty glass of egg nog in July. Well, I guess that one would be kind of weird.-Kevin Corrigan
Have your own rant about the holidays? Email it to holidayrants[at]gmail[dot]com and, if we like it, we'll publish it next week.