Oh, Rachel? We actually broke up because she moved. To Vancouver, actually, not back to "Ching-Chong land"- I'm glad you realize it's inappropriate, I just don't think being born in 1976 counts as growing up in "a different time." Do I want to hear a knock-knock joke? Can you count, in your head, the number of times it contains the n-word? OK, you've already been counting for too long.

Hey, look at us, both in flannel! Only difference is that red wine stain- Oh that's deer blood? And you're using deer as a plural noun? I'll let you get back to watching the sports game... What do I think? Well, I'm not sure whether you just named a truck, metal band, or type of handgun, so I'll just make noncommittal noises until I can find a segue- Look, something happened on sports! I'm cheering! I'm cheering! At a high fiber cereal commercial. Anybody need a drink?

School is good, thanks for asking- No, I'm actually not seeing anybody. No, it had nothing to do with our sex life. What do you mean, that's not what you read on Facebook? We're not friends- You added me under a fake name? I knew I didn't know any cute blondes from Vermont- And you follow my Twitter? Well, I'm glad to hear Uncle Rick likes my NBA lockout jokes, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go delete the Internet.

Yep, still at school. I'm on the "five-year plan," heh- Oh you graduated early? Well, good luck finding a job, the economy is very tough- Financial analyst, huh? Not very creative work. Yeah, I guess publishing your first novel would help with that. Must be tough, though, working those long hours, no time for yourself- Oh, you're in a very rewarding relationship with an Australian yoga instructor? No, I'm not tense. These wine glasses just crack very easily.