My girlfriends gets mad when I tell her I'm reading while having lunch. She also gets mad when I don't read her text messages while having lunch.
My wife just got a 2 1/2" haircut. She is now crying.
You know it hasn't been a very successful semester when you have to dust your box of condoms.
I just read the one where the husband says "Okay and dismount" at the end of sex. When I'm on top and we finish up, I always say "Over and out" as I get off of him.
My girlfriend read Dating, It's Complicated and got the idea to use my penis as a controller and makes car and "pew pew pew" noises. The weird thing is that it really turns me on.
My boyfriend and I got together last weekend to watch a foreign movie that was supposed to have English subtitles. However, the movie was dubbed in English instead. Upon finding this out, my boyfriend angrily stopped the movie because he hates "anything that is dubstepped."
I was lying in bed with my boyfriend and mentioned that I was hungry. He responded by shaking my belly and singing the Hungry Hungry Hippos jingle.
Last week, I downloaded Fruit Ninja on my iPhone. My boyfriend and I were obsessed for a few hours and just sat on my bed taking turns beating each other's high scores. At one point, I got the bonus fruit and frantically swiped my finger back and forth. He looked at me and said, "You should move your hand that fast when you give me handjobs." Now, when he wants a handjob he looks at me with the most serious face he can make and says in his sexy voice, "Pomegranate me."
Late one night, about nine months into dating my (now-ex) girlfriend, we'd been making out on her bed. After a while, her kissing started to slow down, and I thought that was a signal that she was ready to move on further. Nope. She'd fallen asleep.Consider my ego bruised.
My 22 year old boyfriend was much more excited to go see Happy Feet 2 than he was about Skyrim.
I was digging into some leftover Halloween candy when my boyfriend of over a year told me not to eat the Red Vines. When I asked him why not, he replied, "I'll give you two reasons. Chin 1 and Chin 2."
After sex, my girlfriend, looking at my penis, began to stroke it and said in a baby voice "go to sleep penis!"