1. You're in a bar mitzvah band and the only song you know how to play is Jingle Bells (the barking dogs version)

2. Your singer starts every set with his 35 minute "Matt Lauer reading the phone book while suffering from a minor chest cold" impression

3. You're still covering Tenacious D songs

4. Something about a band of blond preteens in blackface playing "Flight of the Valkyries" for two hours just isn't sitting right with people

5. Six of your last six concerts have ended in cod liver related oil fires

6. You demand to know from each member of the audience whether "the curtains match the drapes" before you begin every show

7. Maybe people would consider coming to your shows if you didn't have that freakishly huge Adam's apple

8. The whole three-conjoined-twins-playing-the-harp thing hasn't caught on in the states yet

9. Flute solos

10. Skin flute solos

11. The only venue that will book you is your uncle's "Fur-Ever Friends Canine Crematory"

12. There's just no appreciation for middle-aged men playing hard-bop in adult diapers these days

13. All of your lyrics are strongly pro-cancer

14. You have a saxophonist and you're not in a jazz band

15. Playing online Strip Tac Toe in the basement while listening to talk radio does not qualify as "being in a band"

16. Constant shout outs to "all the backstage Brandons in the audience tonight"

17. Not enough pizazz

18. Too much pizazz

19. Your hype man isn't hyping you correctly

20. No one here in Utah is picking up on the subtle irony of your name, DJ Bloody Pubes

21. I don't know why nobody is coming to see your band play. You said you sent out all of your Myspace invitations, right?

22. In between songs, your mom comes onstage and says things like "Come on now, let's hear it folks – my son and his little friends here have been practicing that last song for weeks! They're doing the best they can, and I think it takes courage to come up here and put themselves out there like this! Do you honestly think Mike Jagger and the other Rolling Stones were any better than this when they were only 31 years old? I highly doubt it!"

23. Your one-armed "manager" insists on projecting 3D German shiza porn onto the walls while you play

24. You don't promote the shows, none of you have any friends or girlfriends, you play at inconveniently located venues on weeknights with equally unheard of bands, your derivative songs are reflective of the group of uninspired and talentless amateurs that you are, and there is literally no reason why anyone would ever want to see you play, ever

25. The singer's pants are not quite tight enough