1. Age on Comments

Internet comments are the worst. If you so much as scroll below a Youtube video, you're just asking to see a wasteland of homophobic slurs and verbal venom. It'd be nice to have some perspective on the people vomiting garbage out of their keyboards. For example, if I saw a 14-year-old kid call someone a faggot in real life, I would think it was sad, but I'd realize that he didn't know better. I'd understand that he did not yet have a sense of empathy, and that he'd probably grow out of it. Most nasty Internet commenters are 14. If I knew that when looking at a page, I could dismiss them like I would in real life. If the commenter was 60, I'd know they were just a bitter, racist old person. If they were in there 20s, I'd know they were just an ignorant asshole. For some reason, that makes it all seem better. It's the not knowing that makes it depressing. Seeing the age of commenters would make it possible to look at the Internet without feeling worse about the human race.

2. Baby Blaster

There's nothing wrong with posting a few pictures of your new baby on Facebook, but there is absolutely EVERYTHING wrong with posting DAILY pictures of your baby and still thinking people will want to be friends with you. It doesn't matter if the baby is actually cute or not, after a while it becomes incessantly apparent your newly burdened friends are just rubbing the fact that their bloodline is secure for another generation right in your childless face.

So what do you do? You can't unfollow them, and telling them to stop posting would be rude. Instead I submit we build a facebook add-on that simply replaces all pictures of babies (ugly or otherwise) with a picture of an awesome dragon. That way every time you're on facebook you get to pretend that dragons are real and that several families you know have dedicated themselves to raising these majestic creatures as their very own.

3. Repeat Filter

Things on the Internet exist forever. You or my mom might just now be finding something I saw years ago. To make matters worse, people repost things like crazy. A popular link on Reddit will get re-submitted 20 times with different titles. And that's just one Web site. It's impossible to know what's worth clicking.

Solution: Web browsers already keep a history. If we extend that history to forever, and log every piece of content we look at, our computers could warn us before we click a repeat. It could block links on Web sites to things we've already seen. In an ideal situation, it would auto respond to my mom's emails with "Haha! So funny!" every time she sends me that video of the cat playing piano. Or the dog that says "hello." Or those balancing Russian strong men. And so forth, forever.

4. Meme Hider

Memes are like cookies. You can enjoy them at any time, but they only really taste good when they're still hot and fresh; stale cookies, much like stale memes, are just depressing. Sometimes I wish that after a certain amount of time had elapsed, a meme could be declared legally dead; and then instead of making RageComics about that one time you had pee shivers and ruined your cousins' wallpaper, you can spend your time making new, better memes or doing literally anything else.

Since you can't actually kill a meme (they are like digital vampires), I propose instead that we create a browser plug-in designed to hide any and all memes you personally find annoying. By simply checking the boxes of meme-genres you especially hate, our collective web experiences wlll gradually become over 9000 times less annoying.

5. Browse Timer

Anyone who has ever played an RPG knows the weird mixture of accomplishment and shame you get from looking at the in-game clock and realizing you just spent over 15 hours trying to get a new hat for your character. Now imagine if web pages had similar timers on them, but instead of just telling you how long you'd been on that one wikipedia page about lightsabers, they would break down a full analytical spread of your daily internet usage. Whether you think spending 50% of your time online looking at porn is impressive or embarassing, however, is purely up to you.