6. Post Rater

We've already got built-in technology for rating the strength of a new password, why not add a version of that to Facebook and Twitter? That way, any time you were about to post something boring, offensive, or offensively boring, this handy tool would offer up a color-coded critique.

Here's how it works: GREEN means you're good to go, YELLOW means your word choice could be better, ORANGE means you probably said something unintentionally racist, RED means you definitely said something intentionally racist, and BLUE means you mentioned the weather. The best part is that whatever color rating you receive, no one will really even care or notice because you're posting it on the Internet, which is like the digital equivalent of shouting "sure is hot today!" while walking through an uninhabited desert.

7. Fun Loading Screens

The Internet has trained us all to expect things as quickly as possible, so whenever I have to wait for a video or website to load I instantly panic and open five more tabs in a desperate attempt to occupy myself. The only way to solve this problem is to distract the user with even more distractions while they wait for the main distraction to load. I can't speak for the Internet as a whole, but personally I would gladly play Tetris for ten seconds as opposed to doing NOTHING for five second while waiting for a video to load. To put it simply, every web site should either have a fun loading screen that lets me play videogames or absolutely no load time at all. That's not too much to ask for, is it? Originally I was going to ask for a 3D printer that could instantly print pizzas, so no, I don't think it is.

8. Graded E-Mails

I know that every person that emails me knows proper grammar and spelling. I know this because I know the people that email me. I know that they've all finished high school, which means they've all finished four years of high school English. You wouldn't know that by reading emails.

For some reason, all written English etiquette goes out the window when you sit someone in front of a keyboard. This is why every email that anyone sends should automatically be CCed to an English teacher, and graded. At the end of the year, every human with an email address would receive a letter grade for their email grammar. If they get a C or below, they're fined. If they get a B or above, they get a bonus, paid for by the people with C's or worse. Before long, no one would be sending emails that read like 14-year-old girl text messages.

9. Slide Whistle Scrolling


10. List Summaries

No one reads reads Internet lists. You probably didn't read this list. You probably did a quick scroll through to see what the 10 things were. If we listed the 10 list items up top, you could have read that and been done with it. It would have saved you a lot of time. I don't even know why I'm typing this sentence. No one is going to read it. I can write anything I want down here. How do breakfast foods become breakfast foods? What makes a society decide they only want pancakes in the morning? Isn't food food? Anyway, yeah. Lists. No one reads em. They just skim the headlines.