Tame AlligatorA man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm."This is the world's tamest alligator," says the man, "and I'll prove it." He then throws a tennis ball under a table, and the alligator promptly fetches it."Anyone else want to try?" says the man."Sure," says the bartender, "but please throw the ball on top of the table, as my knees are bad and I have trouble picking up objects from the floor."The two men discuss their various health problems for some time, and forget all about the alligator.
Risky SurgeryA man has an enormous organ, which makes him speak at an uncontrollably loud volume. He goes to a doctor and says, "DOCTOR, CAN YOU HELP ME?"The doctor says, "Perhaps the surgery would be risky, but I could swap it out for a normal one."The man agrees, and they proceed to the surgery room.
Hours later, as the man's anesthetic is wearing off, he looks up at the doctor and asks, "Did it work?""THE OPERATION WAS A SUCCESS," says the doctor.
Soon after, the nurse comes in to remind the man that the organ in question was his gall bladder, and that he should avoid rich foods for several days.
Blonde, version 1Q: What's a blonde's mating call?A: It is entirely species-dependent, but a blond duck might sound something like this! [pull out duck whistle, to everyone's delight]
Blonde, version 2Q: What do you call a row of blondes standing ear-to-ear?A: "Ladies," or, if at cotillion, "My Ladies."
Blonde, version 3Q: Why do blondes wear wool underwear?A: Because their grandmothers worked very hard knitting it for them.
ThursdayA man, newly employed at a remote mining facility, asks his foreman what people do for entertainment at the camp."Well," says the foreman, "there's always the room with the barrel.""What happens there?" says the man."Go see for yourself," says the foreman with a smile.
That night, the man finds the room and walks in. In the corner is a barrel, with a group of men surrounding it. At first he is shy about approaching the barrel, but after a few minutes, he plucks up his courage and joins the group of men.
The next day, he sees the foreman and tells him about his night."That was fantastic," says the man. "That barrel told such amazing stories: of growing up poor in rural Indiana, of its military service in the Pacific, of coming home to marry its high-school sweetheart, and of raising a family. We all listened for hours. I'm going back there every night to listen to that barrel!""Well, any night except Thursday," says the foreman."Why's that?" asks the man."Because Thursday's your night in the barrel."The man, realizing that telling a good story is not as easy as it seems, becomes immediately apprehensive.
Limerick, version 1There once was a man from Nantucket,Whose corn was so ripe you could pluck it.If he caught you afield,He'd ask you to yield,Saying, "Give me that corn and I'll shuck it."
Limerick, version 2There once was a girl named Alice,Who used a dynamite stick for a chalice.From Saskatchewan's Regina,To South Carolina,All were in agreement that attempting to drink out of a stick of dynamite was not only thoughtless, but callous.
The Farmer and the SalesmanA salesman arrives at a farmhouse as night is approaching. He knocks, and the farmer answers the door. "I'm sorry for the trouble," says the salesman, "but might you have a room I could use for the night?""Certainly," says the farmer. "You can take the last room on the right."The salesman thanks him and bids him goodnight, when the farmer says: "Just one thing. There are three holes in the wall; be sure not to do anything with any of them."The salesman agrees and they both go to bed.
The next day, the farmer asks the salesman how he slept. The salesman is troubled, and eventually confesses."I couldn't resist," he says. "I just had to put my ear into each of the three holes. The first two were wonderful, but the third was unbearable. What was behind them?""Behind the first hole was my wife, speaking about the value of hard work. Behind the second was my daughter, speaking about the value of thriftiness. And behind the third was my milking machine, which I've modified to deliver a very boring speech about the importance of listening to your hosts!"After a good laugh, the salesman thanks him for the valuable lesson, and, after selling him several Library of America titles, proceeds on his way.
Square RootQ: What's the square root of sixty-nine?A: An irrational number between eight and nine. (EXTRA CREDIT: If there are no women in the room, add that the number's irrationality must make it female. Zing!)
Black and White, version 1What's black and white and red all over?A group of nuns repainting an orphanage in a vibrant red color on a beautiful June day.
Black and White, version 2What's black and white and red all over?A partially colorized version of Haymakers and Heartbreakers (1936).
Black and White, version 3What's black and white and red all over?The New York Times app, which I've just downloaded onto your new iPad. [demonstrate app, while explaining what a homonym is]
Black and White, version 4What's black and white and has a dirty last name?Sister Mary Golly.
BullsTwo bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill looking at a group of cows.The younger bull says, "Hey dad, let's run down there and talk to one of those cows."His father says, "No, son. Let's walk down there and help them across those mud puddles, then invite them all over for ice cream."
PuppyA boy and his father are walking down the street when they see two dogs walk behind a bush together."What are those dogs doing?" asks the boy."They're going to write a letter to the stork, asking him to bring them a puppy," says his father.
That night, the boy walks into his parents' bedroom and sees them in bed together."What are you doing?" asks the boy."Well, son," says his father, "we're making a baby.""Well, put your clothes on, get out that nice stationery set your parents gave you, sit at at well-lit table, and give the pen to whomever has the best and clearest handwriting," says the boy, "because I want a puppy."
April Fools, version 1After a long labor, a woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. The doctor is about to hand the baby to her, but pauses."Just a moment," he says."What is it?" says the woman."There's something wrong with this baby," says the doctor."What is it?" says the woman.He smiles and says: "April Fools! There's actually nothing wrong with this baby."They both have a good laugh. Later, on his way home, the doctor rewards himself with a six-pack of root beer.
April Fools, version 2After a long labor, a woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. Before handing her the baby, the doctor says, "God has blessed you with a beautiful baby.""He certainly has," says the woman."April Fools," says the doctor, "God doesn't exist!""Help!" says the woman, and her husband runs in and slaps the bad doctor.
Man and BoyA man and a young boy are walking through the woods at night, getting farther and farther from town."I'm scared," says the boy."You think you're scared?" says the man. "I'm the one that has two mortgages and three kids to send through college."The boy agrees that real adult responsibilities are certainly more frightening than the dark, and thanks the man for the valuable lesson. The man then gives the boy two dollars, and the boy promises to put it into his savings account right away.
Brown and Sticky, version 1Q: What's brown and sticky?A: An adhesive-backed poster of the Lord's Prayer, printed in brown ink, on a classroom wall.
Brown and Sticky, version 2Q: What's brown and sticky?A: A stick more specifically, one that has been dipped in root beer and left in the sun.
Three Men, Two ParachutesDuring a flight, all the engines on a plane fail and it begins to plummet. Everyone grabs parachutes and jumps out, until there are only three men left on the plane. To their consternation, they realize that there are only two parachutes remaining.
"I have to take one of the parachutes," says the first man. "I am a great doctor, and must go on living so that I can save the lives of others. Countless lives are dependent on my survival." He grabs one of the parachutes, and jumps out of the plane.
"I have to take the last parachute," says the second man. "I'm a great musician, one of the finest in the world. Millions of people will fall into despair without my songs." And with that, he grabs the last parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The third man, being WWII hero Louis Zamperini, lands the disabled plane with little difficulty, then goes home to a nice chicken dinner.
Bar, version 1A horse walks into a bar."Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?""Because I'm a horse, and, as such, have the bone structure particular to my species," says the horse."My apologies," says the bartender. "I hadn't initially noticed."To make it up to the horse, and to prove that there are no hard feelings, the bartender gives him a complimentary root beer.
Bar, version 2A priest, a rabbi, and Hitler walk into a bar. The barman, being a patriot, tackles Hitler and holds him until the authorities arrive.
Bar, version 3A priest, a rabbi, and a one-armed French prostitute walk into a bar. After some initial japery, they all agree to be sensitive to each others' religions and nationalities, and order a pitcher of root beer to share.
Bar, version 4A priest, a rabbi, and a root beer manufacturer walk into a bar. "First one's on me," says the root beer manufacturer. He orders a pitcher of root beer, and much laughter ensues.
Bar, version 5A man walks into a bar. Once inside, because the light is bad in those places and they are rarely up to code, he walks into a metal rod."Ouch," he says.The manager apologizes, promises to put a warning sign on the metal rod, and gives him a coupon for 25% off his next visit.
Bar, version 6A typewriter walks into a bar."Sorry, buddy," says the bartender, "but we don't serve your type.""Fine," says the typewriter, "be that way, you fucking prick."